out of love

I think that is what happened. At least some of it. I fell out of love.

We talked a bit about our relationship while on vacation. He’s not happy with our sex life (not that I am particularly, but honestly, it’s not at the top of my priority list right now), and suggested an open relationship. But I don’t think that’s for me. So he said that in this case he might leave eventually – and was taken aback when I said that would be fine. (He also said, sometime during this conversation, that he did not believe counselling would help.)

When he comes into a room, most of the time, he doesn’t do much to greet me. He hugs and kisses SB, sure, but me? Well, I’m just there. So in a sense I’m puzzled at his surprise.

And still I’m having a hard time with this. I wonder if it is because, years ago, I made a promise? A promise to stay with him in good and bad times.

We have certainly have bad times. And good ones. But we were together in them. Now it feels like we are already separated, if not formally, then emotionally.


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23 thoughts on “out of love

  1. Aw, that’s hard. It’s good you are talking, but I’m sorry to hear that things aren’t promising. I don’t have experience but I can imagine that contemplating a not-so-happily ever after is very confusing and painful. Many hugs to you.

  2. I am literally about 5 months ahead of you at this point. Dealt with the same situation, and he chose to be done, so I asked him to leave. Hardest weeks of my life but now, at 5.5 months after he stopped sleeping here, we are mid divorce and while life is drastically different, I am so much happier… Feel free to touch base if you want to chat!

  3. This is really hard… I’ve also read your history – you’ve been through so much, and what with him not showing the interest that he should & being overly negative about his life, it’s absolutely no surprise that things have worn you down and that you are not prioritising your sex life. Who would? I wouldn’t. And an open relationship would not be for most people. It’s a shame counselling is off the table, as I know some couples that it’s helped a lot (although it’s also not for everybody, and I myself am not great at talking-therapies…). This is so tough and painful and I wish you all the best

  4. I understand. And I realize that that must sound like I’m minimizing or projecting or something.

    But, promise you, I really do know how you feel — or at least a pretty close approximation.

  5. I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. How hurtful this all sounds. But I want to tell you that there can be hope for you! We had a very rough season three years ago, and he was unfaithful to me. I really thought of ending it with my husband, but the promise that I made to him kept me going, as well as my kids. And now, he is so in love with me! Whenever I go on a short trip or even an evening out with friends, he misses me. People told me not to stick through it for the sake of my kids, but I ask, why not? When I see their happy faces at the end of the work day because Daddy pulled into the driveway and they are thrilled, it makes me so happy. All the stability and family happiness from the last three years would not have happened had I told him to leave.

    We never did counseling. He didn’t want to, and many men are like that. He said that with all the pressures of work and everything the best thing is to have fun with me. Could you try that? Just have fun with him? Is there anyone who can watch Strawberry so you can find each other again?

    Hugs to you.

    P.S. The movie Fireproof deals with this almost exactly. I think it’s great. We are all here with you!

    1. Thanks Kristin! He mainly wants to spend time with our daughter. Which, given our history, is perhaps understandable (though then I really don’t get why he’s just sitting on the couch watching videos). But unfortunately that leaves very little time for us being a couple, without the focus on parenting.

  6. Well, sh*t. Such a hard place to be in a marriage. I really could have written most of this post myself. The exception being him asking for an open relationship. That doesn’t work for most people! I have twice mentioned seeking counseling, and my hubby reacts to that as if I’d straight up asked for a divorce (eye roll). I don’t think it’s fair of your husband to assume it won’t work without at least trying it first. I’ll keep you in my thoughts and hope things smooth over for you guys.

  7. That sounds really hard. It also reminds me of something I heard once – I don’t remember where – to the effect that divorce is legal recognition of something that’s already happened. (In this case, your spouse checking out, which sounds incredibly frustrating, too.) I don’t know where you’re headed, but it doesn’t sound easy. Very long distance hugs.

  8. I wish that your husband was open to counseling. I feel like for a lot of couples, when their kids are young is when it is the hardest to stay connected. I know that for my marriage things aren’t necessarily “fun” but I think that we are still doing okay. I don’t have any advice or words of wisdom, but I am sending you hugs. We are here for you and ready to listen if you want to write.

  9. i am so very sorry to hear that you’re going through this, especially after everything else you’ve been through. i’m thinking of you, and though i’m not around this part of cyberspace very often these days, i’m here if you ever want to talk/vent. *hugs*

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