still stuck

Sorry for the lack of updates. I really appreciate your comments, support and good wishes, despite my lack of answers sometimes.

Things haven’t really changed much. I have a friend who is going through a similar-but-different situation – also considering divorce, but different details, though overall we both feel somewhat exploited and undervalued by our husbands. I almost wrote “partners”, but that’s really what I’m missing – I want a true partner, who doesn’t feel like he should to ‘help’ me with chores or childcare, but that they’re his responsibility just as much as mine. And that’s not the case. I think it has never been, and to some extent I blame myself for not making clear earlier that this is not an acceptable situation. I was hoping it’d get better by itself, wanting to avoid the conflict. Classic, really. Guess what, no, it doesn’t solve itself.

I started a subscription to the local version of Blue Apron, as I would really like us to eat healthier dinners than pasta-with-pesto. He has done nothing but complain about this. Too expensive, he doesn’t like the food, etc. Dude, if you don’t contribute, you kind of lose the right to complain.

He loves a certain outfit/fashion item – for the sake of discussion and anonymity, let’s say neon workout shirts. He wears them all the time. I used to wear them more, but it’s not my thing right now, so I only wear them on weekends. He’s been complaining I wear them too little, but started to appreciate the fact that I only wear them to make him happy. Whenever I wear one he’ll want to come and cuddle and touch me, but never when I don’t. Now, I’ve never said I’m easy, but this bothers me. Is he actually interested in me, or just in what I’m wearing?

He complains when I have my period. Because ‘then we can’t have sex for a week’ (don’t get me started) and because ‘it reminds him of how we still haven’t managed to make a sibling for SB’. I have decided that we need to get out of this slump before I’m ready to try another transfer, although I have not had the guts to spell it out to him like this. If I went on maternity leave we’d go straight back to me doing all the chores and all the childcare, and I’m just not up for that anymore. Every other man in our social circles does so much more, regardless of whether there are kids in the house or not. I’m so tired of having to ask for help, of him not even seeing all the things I do.

SB’s 3rd birthday is in a week. She is amazing and wonderful, and we are so glad to have her, and so proud of all the things she masters. Sometimes I feel like that’s the only thing we have in common these days, but still, those are the good moments, when I considers waiting this out for another while, just to keep her happy. But on the other hand, I don’t want her to grow up feeling like it’s normal that mommy is exhausted while daddy plays computer games.

The 4th anniversary of losing A&C was over a week ago. Honestly it was a bit strange, remembering how we were so close together in this experience, and how estranged we are now. A mix of sadness over what happened then, and what is now.

And because these things are never easy, here’s another aspect that I haven’t written about so far. There’s someone else. Someone I really like. Nothing has actually happened, and I highly doubt anything will happen unless H and I separate – and even then, who knows. Maybe he just likes me as a friend. I don’t know. Rationally I know I need to make this decision about this relationship, and perhaps about SB, but independent of possible future relationships. But my mind drifts off sometimes… even if I have no idea how realistic any of this is… it’d be nice to have someone to kiss the pain away.

 

C is gone! My sister!

SB said this yesterday. Out of nowhere.

We mention A&C every now and then, maybe every 1-2 months. So far, she has only said C’s name right after we have, and while she generally has an amazing memory, I hadn’t realized she had woven the twins into her family.

Thankful

What a difference a year makes. It is hard to imagine that this time last year I was still physically recovering from the loss of A&C, let alone trying to cope with the emotional aspects. Now I’m cluster-feeding a little person who seems to be having a difficult day (we alternate between the easy and the more difficult ones). Would it be nice to have taken a shower or had breakfast by mid-day? Sure. Does it matter? Not really. I even snuck in a quick yoga practice (weird priorities, you may think… but in my usual timeline, yoga happens before showering and breakfast…)

The picture below gives a pretty good summary. I’m eternally grateful that we got to take home our little Strawberry, and that she is thriving. Her real name means “dark”, matching her eyes, which are blue-gray and looking at the world more alert each day.

The blanket is a gift from a dear blog friend, who sadly has also experienced the loss of two babies. I’m grateful for all the support I received online from all of you, as well as for the people in my life who stepped forward asking about the twins and sharing their own stories.

If you look closely, you’ll see that the blanket has two stars. For A&C. I’m thankful for every minute I had with them and everything they taught and are continuing to teach me. I also miss them terribly. SB’s middle name means “little sister” in their honor.

I’m thankful for a team of doctors who know how to get me pregnant and keep me pregnant for long enough, all the way to full term! Grateful that, given a healthy embryo and some extra progesterone, my body knows just what to do. Thankful for what appears to be one of the easiest possible birth experiences, leading to a healthy living baby in my arms.

And so many other things. I’m still amazed how different my life is just a year later, and it is my hope that, if this Thanksgiving was hard for you, the coming month may bring the sort of change you’ve been longing for.

firsts, seconds, and thirds

Between our holiday trip and my brother visiting for a few weeks (and still being exhausted, although less than in the first trimester), I haven’t had much time for blogging. I’ve tried to sort of keep up with reading, but that’s the extent of it. So, if you haven’t seen any comments from me, or are waiting for an email answer – it’s not you, it’s me. Really.

• I broke my own record and went to L&D at 15w5d, and then again at 17w1d. Sigh. Fortunately both were clear cases of “better safe than sorry”, with symptoms that are probably normal, but given my history nobody wants to fully reassure me on the phone and they rather have me come in (my OB office is across the street from L&D, and basically there are no urgent office visits – if something needs checking out, you go straight to L&D). But I’ve also noticed another change – last year, I didn’t want to be the infertile who freaked out about every twinge. Now I don’t care if they think I’m hypersensitive (although everyone so far has been very understanding) – I simply want to do everything I can to make sure Strawberry Baby comes home with us.
• I bought a baby carrier. We got a good deal and have a full year to return it, in case, you know, Strawberry Baby decides she doesn’t like it, but it still seems odd. Now it’s sitting in our living room as if that was the most normal thing. And one of the most adorable sights of the last weeks was when my (skeptical) husband put it on and smiled.
• I had my second cervical length scan. It was down to 3.6cm, which I found a bit worrisome, but the doctors reassure me it is completely within the normal range and has more to do with the bladder being more or less full, etc. So I try not to worry (ha!). As this ultrasound was at 16 weeks and change, the tech asked if we wanted to know the gender. It looks like we’re having another girl! I’d be delighted about either, the only thing I want is to bring this baby home alive and healthy. I think knowing the gender makes it much easier for me to relate to the baby though. And there was something magical about being told it’s another girl, after having two for the shortest time.
• My insurance authorized the progesterone injections that should help in preventing preterm labor and pPROM. Yay! Then my nurse and I spent about 2 weeks talking to what should have been the in-network specialty pharmacy, and finding out it isn’t this one after all… but now it looks like the progesterone is about to be delivered.
• I found these haptic quilt patterns and first thought of getting one with the city we live in. While I’m too lazy to patch each block in a different color, a tie-dye fabric might have worked nicely… and it looks like a couch-suitable project (I wouldn’t be surprised if there is couch-time in my future) and Strawberry Girl could explore it with her hands and eyes. But then I saw they have a pattern with the northern star constellations… and I was sold. A and C can be in their own special colors!