pain and trust

I would like to trust my body that we can do this. Conceive and nurture a baby until it is ready to be born into this world. I don’t necessarily mean we can make it without assistance — but even with all the power of ART, there are some parts that my body has to do on its own.

This probably sounds too esoteric for a scientist. But at some level, what happens in our brains is biochemistry — which also controls our hormones. So perhaps, by improving one we have a chance to improve the other? Or is this just a phase that everyone goes through on their ttc journey? Believing that they can make it work by eating the right foods, doing the right exercise, or some other magic?

One reason behind this idea is the realization that both H and I have been in fight-or-flight-mode for the last couple of years, mainly thanks to our work situations. Which cannot be good for the state of egg and sperm, or the rest of our bodies and minds, for that matter. So, getting more sleep and less stress would certainly be good. It could at least help me/us deal with the difficult times that may lie ahead.

Thinking about this, I noticed that I probably haven’t trusted my body in quite a while. Which is a sad thing to say. Having been a chubby girl, getting along with my body wasn’t always easy. (Isn’t it lovely what this society does to us?) I thought our relationship had improved; in general I would say I’m okay with my shape. But to actually trust my body to do something physically difficult, that’s another thing. There are some types of exercise e.g. in my martial arts classes that I don’t do — because I don’t think I can. In the last months, I was also hoping that I might be pregnant, and then such high-impact movements wouldn’t be good… but it comes back to the same point. I don’t trust it.

However, I’m not sure my body got the message — I spent yesterday in pain (almost) whenever I moved. That was CD-1 (i.e., the day before CD1), and for the last couple of months I’ve had this odd pain at the very end of my spine on that day (does anyone else get that?). Piercing pain when I assume a new position. After a while I find one that is (more or less) comfortable — and when I get up, it starts all over again. Now, this is quite different from the symptoms I had with endometriosis years ago (bad cramps during my period — whereas this weird pain mainly comes before CD1). And yet I’m afraid it could be that… or something else I’ve never heard of. No less scary. I’ll go to the doctor the week after next, but finding out what this is will probably take longer — endo doesn’t show up on u/s and even if it did, that site is rather inaccessible.

I would like to trust. Really. But now I’m afraid my body will fail me (and my desire for a baby) again. Which doesn’t make it easier.

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it’s official

Sometime around a year ago, on our honeymoon, I stopped taking my bcps which I’d been on since the endo surgery and treatment. Despite my history, I was kind of disappointed not to get pregnant in the first couple of months. Ordered Taking Charge of Your Fertility, started to chart, made an appointment with my doctor. Now, 12 months later, I still haven’t seen a BFP, but I hope very much that this has little predictive value for the future.

The conference was great, although they didn’t have hot milk for my understanding of “coffee”, and alcohol was spare. Oh well, scientifically and socially it was really nice. My husband participated in some special event, and a guy was asking him if his wife was the one that was expecting (there were several pregnant women around — I successfully avoided them). He answered that I’d like to be but unfortunately wasn’t, which I found sweet.

I try to be glad for the things that do work. There is sperm, even if not all of it is swimming properly. I do ovulate, even fairly regularly. The progesterone keeps my LPD under control. EWCM is there, lining is built up fine. But, with all that looking ok and 12+ cycles of trying, I’m getting a bit frustrated. What is wrong here? Do we just need more time? Less stress? (well possible given our work situations)

Or should we move on to more testing? I’ll be travelling a lot in August and have 3 deadlines for September. And we’ll probably move next year. International if not transatlantic. Not a great time to be pregnant or have a tiny baby. But, given our success rate from the previous year, I’m not planning to stop trying. However, we won’t start any big treatment plans either. If it happens naturally, great (and then we’ll sort out all the difficulties of moving, changing employer and insurance while pregnant somehow), if not, sigh.