Regular readers will be familiar with my burning buttocks pain. Pain shooting through my spine and burning in my buttocks, during menstruation but lately stretching throughout the entire follicular phase. Which I assumed to be caused by endometriosis, given my history, though an MRI could not find anything. Pain that had me seriously wonder how I was going to lead a normal life with, how I would be able to work, especially standing up.

I’m still slightly afraid of saying anything, for fear of jinxing my luck, but it seems I have found a solution. And I’m not talking about prescription-strength painkillers. This could become a long post, but bear with me.

Over the holidays I re-discovered a book about yoga, which I had bought years ago, with the intention of starting, but then I met H and everything changed ;-) and when we moved here I left it back as I wasn’t actually doing any yoga. But a few months ago I bought “Fully Fertile” and began yoga practice they suggest, and so I looked up some poses. Now, whereas Fully Fertile just recommends not to do inversions during menstruation, this other book, in true spirit of my fellow countrymen, provides a more detailed discussion of the issue, finishing with the statement that endometriosis was a clear counter-indication for practicing inversions during menstruation.

Point taken, I thought. Probably because of retrograde menstruation, a theory of how menstrual flow back into the peritoneal cavity could cause endo. I had heard about it when I was first diagnosed, and basically dismissed it because it could not explain all cases of endo. (For example, the first documented case of a woman with endo happened to occur in a patient without an uterus. No retrograde flow here, clearly.) Anyway, I had stuck with the Fully Fertile instructions, so I thought this was not an issue.

Half an hour later, it hit me. While I had avoided inversions, I had been practicing, and all those rolling movements could well have the same effect. If you’re wondering why I practiced despite all this pain — exercise actually helped relieve the pain. My first bout of endo, which was finally diagnosed one day before I had major surgery to remove it, started about 9 months after I began practicing Then I rarely practiced for a long time (for other reasons), was on a progesterone-only pill, and pain-free. But last spring I took it up again — somewhat reluctantly, because, you know, I could get pregnant the following month and then I’d have to stop (I wish). And, over the summer, my lovely burning buttocks pain surfaced.

I had dreaded getting my period during the holidays, in anticipation of yet more pain. But, due to travels and sickness, I had not done any And I was in so much less pain, it was unbelievable. This time around (today is CD3), it is even better. Not quite pain-free yet, but if you had promised me this a few months ago, I would not have believed it. And all that because of less exercise? Even if this does not get me pregnant, I’ll take it, any day.

Maybe I got it all wrong. It could be the EPO finally working, or pure coincidence. But this connection is too strong for me to ignore. Oddly enough, I could not find much on the topic online. I’ve read this article about yoga, which supports that you should not practice inversions during menstruation, but claims that retrograde menstruation, and therefore endometriosis, are not an issue. Frankly, I don’t buy it. My body tells me otherwise. And I think this is the key point here. I have to learn to listen to my body. As a scientist, I would love to have well-designed, controlled, double-blind studies for whatever medical or reproductive problem I worry about. Apart from the fact that these simply often do not exist, they can only tell us what works in the majority of patients (ok, actually in a small set that hopefully is representative…). But, identical twins aside, we are all slightly different. We suffer from different side effects, don’t respond in the same way to drugs, hell, some are drunk after one cocktail and others still standing after 3. With badly understood problems it seems to be even worse, whether that be endo or “bad eggs” or what else doctors may have thrown at you, shrugging, not really knowing what to do either.

(It seems like there should be conclusions here, but that feels premature. We’ll see over the coming months if my pain stays away. I’m hopeful. And that is a wonderful feeling.)

The supplements

It took us a while to get the supplements for H — no pharmacy had them in stock, and in part I was just unorganized / too busy with other stuff. Turns out, I wouldn’t have needed to hurry — first, they are bloody expensive, and second, H hates their taste. As in, he hasn’t even taken more than one, so far.
I had hoped that, as they’d surely be cheaper than IUIs, we could just give this semi-natural TTC a shot as we won’t be doing treatments next year anyway (which I’m not happy about, but that’s for another post). But now, for a price of four boxes I could almost get an IUI, or at least the sperm-related part of it (i.e., no drugs for me), and if the taste really is so bad I frankly don’t know if it’s worth it…

In other news, my boobs are sore and I’m constipated, but at 2dpo this is certainly isn’t a pregnancy symptom. My pre-ovulatory time was painful again — less in the buttocks but more around the tailbone, if you care for such details. This is all rather weird and annoying, and I don’t really know what to do about it. Maybe I should get a second opinion — my doc says that a lap would not be helpful at this point, as there’s nothing big to be removed, and seeing the tailbone region would be difficult too. However, I’m not inclined to spending 2/4 weeks on painkillers every month, so something has to be done…

radio silence

Thanks for checking in — it’s lovely that you guys (ok, girls) care about me so much! Sorry for vanishing without a word — my computer decided that it was a good time to break down, even though I did not take it anywhere near the big magnets. Thus, no updates. Also, I’ve been busy like crazy, and we’ll have a bunch of guests next weekend (which I’m very much looking forward to, but also slightly stressed about), so that I don’t know how much time I’ll have for blogging until after that.

So, the executive summary of the news:

  • I was tested for gluten-sensitivity related antibodies, as this is often found in endometriosis patients. Negative. Any idea how much this means, in the sense that my symptoms could still improve if I cut out wheat?
  • The MRI is unclear. Lovely. Well, I guess it could be worse and have shown huge problems, so I’m trying to look at the bright side… My doc wants to talk to the MRI specialist again to make sure they look at the right places, so there might be an update lateron.
  • The SA was worse, unfortunately. 5% morphology (usual threshold 12-15%), plus motility problems. As far as I remember, last time they only told us about motility problems, so that would be another blow.

I’m not sure how we’ll move on from here. Since my endo surgery years ago we had always assumed I’d be the one with the problems, but now it seems to be both of us (ok, technically we don’t even know if my endo is interfering with my fertility, but it’s quite possible, and the pain is enough of a problem as far as I’m concerned). I’ll schedule an appointment with my doctor and my husband, so that the three of us can sit down together and try to sort this out.
Somehow I had hoped that the SA would bring us good news. H was disappointed as well, though he’s trying not to show it much, and he’s so stressed with work-related things (which cannot be good for his swimmers, but we’re going in circles on that one) that the denial phase works well.

radio noise

All in all, we had a good weekend. With two dinners with friends — and drinks, because, on CD1 and CD2, why not? My strange CD-1 pain was almost absent, but CD1 was rather bad, with burning pain inside my buttocks for a couple of hours. Weird, my dear body, isn’t it? Today I went for the MRI, and last week H did another SA, so we should be getting some results this week. I hope that they’ll be good or, at least, not too bad.

evening primrose oil – advice?

The title says it all, I think. Have you used it? Specific recommendations on dosage, when to take it — according to this article only in the follicular phase, as it may induce cramping — or any other helpful advice? (Brands likely won’t help much unless you live in Old Europe.)
I’ve read that it can help both with endometriosis (fatty acids making cell membranes smoother, relieving adhesions etc.), and with getting pregnant — and, if you believe the pages that sell it, it’s amazing for all aspects of health anyway. I asked my doctor about it and she said that it won’t hurt, and that fatty acids are important (and some missing from the local diet, apparently) so I’ll try. If I get better (or pregnant!), great. Regarding my odd pain we’ll do an MRI during my next period and see what that shows. Of course the problem is that it may show nothing and there could still be endo… but she wasn’t very keen on jumping to a lap right away, and I do understand the “the less invasive the better” point of view, particularly when we’re not sure what we’re dealing with. She also did an u/s and I had already ovulated, and my lining was transforming in the way it should. I think that our timing was not bad this month, but honestly, after all the other months with ok-to-good timing, I don’t have a lot of hope that I’ll get pregnant this time. H should repeat his SA soonish, and then perhaps we’ll know a bit more, namely, if we should really worry about his side as well or if the last one was a fluke / badly timed.

pain and trust

I would like to trust my body that we can do this. Conceive and nurture a baby until it is ready to be born into this world. I don’t necessarily mean we can make it without assistance — but even with all the power of ART, there are some parts that my body has to do on its own.

This probably sounds too esoteric for a scientist. But at some level, what happens in our brains is biochemistry — which also controls our hormones. So perhaps, by improving one we have a chance to improve the other? Or is this just a phase that everyone goes through on their ttc journey? Believing that they can make it work by eating the right foods, doing the right exercise, or some other magic?

One reason behind this idea is the realization that both H and I have been in fight-or-flight-mode for the last couple of years, mainly thanks to our work situations. Which cannot be good for the state of egg and sperm, or the rest of our bodies and minds, for that matter. So, getting more sleep and less stress would certainly be good. It could at least help me/us deal with the difficult times that may lie ahead.

Thinking about this, I noticed that I probably haven’t trusted my body in quite a while. Which is a sad thing to say. Having been a chubby girl, getting along with my body wasn’t always easy. (Isn’t it lovely what this society does to us?) I thought our relationship had improved; in general I would say I’m okay with my shape. But to actually trust my body to do something physically difficult, that’s another thing. There are some types of exercise e.g. in my martial arts classes that I don’t do — because I don’t think I can. In the last months, I was also hoping that I might be pregnant, and then such high-impact movements wouldn’t be good… but it comes back to the same point. I don’t trust it.

However, I’m not sure my body got the message — I spent yesterday in pain (almost) whenever I moved. That was CD-1 (i.e., the day before CD1), and for the last couple of months I’ve had this odd pain at the very end of my spine on that day (does anyone else get that?). Piercing pain when I assume a new position. After a while I find one that is (more or less) comfortable — and when I get up, it starts all over again. Now, this is quite different from the symptoms I had with endometriosis years ago (bad cramps during my period — whereas this weird pain mainly comes before CD1). And yet I’m afraid it could be that… or something else I’ve never heard of. No less scary. I’ll go to the doctor the week after next, but finding out what this is will probably take longer — endo doesn’t show up on u/s and even if it did, that site is rather inaccessible.

I would like to trust. Really. But now I’m afraid my body will fail me (and my desire for a baby) again. Which doesn’t make it easier.

still standing

After almost 2 months of doing different stuff, I’m back. Still not pregnant. The good news is a job lined up for next year that I’m totally excited about — I’d love to start much earlier than I probably will. Like, tomorrow. Maybe a change of scenery would help us in another sense, too.

Before the summer, I thought that, while we may be trying without much (ok, any) success, at least I wasn’t surrounded by bellies popping up here and there. Well, that changed, without warning — at least 5 of my friends are either pregnant or have just given birth. In fact, I heard about a new baby in the family today where I hadn’t even known they were pregnant. Sigh. That did hit me rather unexpectedly this morning. (I don’t like crying at my desk. Good thing nobody seemed to pay too much attention that moment.)

Last Sunday, I woke up at 7am (which never happens), lay wide awake and wondered whether getting pregnant right now would be a good idea (see job above). But now, sad again over everyone else succeeding so seemingly easily*, I would be so happy about a 2nd line. Somehow I just don’t see it coming though. Ideally of course I’d love to start my job, get settled, get some work done, and get pregnant then. But as you all know from unfortunate experience, we cannot exactly schedule this…

Thanks for all your comments on the HSG vs. lap question — since I was travelling most of the time I haven’t had any appointments yet, but I lean towards the lap at the moment, in part because I’ve had some odd pain during my period which I very much hope is not endo, but I’d rather have someone check.

I’ll try to catch up with your blogs in the next days — hoping I’ve missed many BFPs!

* Not all of them: one of my friends told me that it had taken her “a long time”, which gave me some hope — she knew we’ve been trying. I don’t know how long long is though.

left vs. right

Yesterday I was experiencing this odd, dull pain that I sometimes have mid-cycle. It’s as if something was swollen, getting worse e.g. when I sit down. It’s gone now — I think (and hope, actually — that would be good timing :) that it’s some sort of ovulatory pain, even though my temperature went down today instead of up — might be the dip before the rise.
On the left side, I get what seems to be “classic ovulatory pain”, where (I think) the ovary is. On the right I haven’t experienced this, so my theory is that this dull pain is it. Are your sides so different as well?

Also, and rather unrelated, I just spoke to my insurance as I haven’t received any reimbursement for my winter 2nd opinion — turns out they haven’t even received my application. Argh. The guy told me he would check if my stuff has arrived anywhere, and let me know. Let’s see.