the bad blogging continues

• Thanks for all your support and comments. Some really summarized the situation and problems very well. We definitely do have an issue with the definition of ‘partner’.
• My feelings are complicated as ever. I had somehow – naively, probably – assumed that we’d talk about these problems I see, I’d ask him to change X, Y and Z (mainly, do much more around the house than so far), he’d either do it or not, and I’d have a clear way to move on. Instead it’s a weird two-steps-forward-N-steps-back situation, and N is anywhere between 1 and 3. I feel stuck, and I hate feeling stuck.
• This is only increased by several of our friends, all with kids younger than SB,  expecting their seconds. I’m not saying I necessarily want to be pregnant right now (the situation is complicated enough as it is) but it just underlines how I am not moving forward.
• The therapy session was helpful to some extent. The therapist gave me some ideas to explain to H what the situation is, such as that it’s a business we co-own, and that we both need to be equal contributors to making sure things run smoothly. We do have a history of me asking him to do more, things perhaps improving for a while, but then slipping back. She did point out that it’s not great if I always have to remind him to do ‘his tasks’ – I’m not his mother. Back to the whole ‘partner’ thing. But overall there’s only so much this can help if I’m the only one who is going. It is nice to get some reflection and ideas on how I see the situation, but what we’d need is a dialogue to understand what the other person needs and feels, and that can’t happen this way. (BTW, H was very curious about this visit and wanted me to tell him all about it – but still doesn’t want to go.)
• The level of frustration I have built up and buried underneath need-to-function is  higher than I thought. Much higher.
• I’m unwilling to make any plans further out than 1-2 months. Which is not practical, and only adds to the feeling of being stuck.
• At the same time, as evident from the lack of blogging, I’m clearly not particularly willing to deal with this entire topic. It’s called denial, I know… it’s just so painful to have these discussions, and the lack of real progress doesn’t help.

still here

Thanks for your comments regarding the charting app, and sorry for vanishing. I tried a few of the free apps, decided that many of them are fancy-but-not-actually-useful, and eventually picked (and bought the full version of) FemCal. Which essentially looks like a direct implementation of what’s described in TCOYF, no bells and whistles, but quite customizable, which I like. Not sure if the prediction of peak days and expected periods works well, but given how erratic my cycles can be, that might be a lot to ask.

Somehow over the last weeks I came to the realization that it is not terrible if I don’t get pregnant this year. Which may be a way of self-protection — chances are low, as are the possibilities of doing treatments (as previously described). Plus, I started to think seriously about my career, not so much in the what-would-happen-if-we-finally-had-a-baby way, either independent of that, or with the fear that neither might work out… (it’s not as bad as it sounds here though. I think.) So with that, I’m not sure what to do with this space — after all, following natural cycles is not too exciting. I have a few things I wanted to write about, but that would need time and thought, and I’ve been really busy with the rest of life. I keep doing my fertility yoga exercises, because I think they’re good for me (in general, the fertility effects remain to be seen), though I’ve pretty much stopped doing any exercise during my period, and my pain has been much better. Not quite gone yet, but much, much better. And yesterday I got another pregnancy announcement, and I was okay. Not excited, but not terribly sad either. So perhaps at least yoga helps me calm down.

And then today, CD7, I was a good girl and did my breast self-exam. And decided to make an appointment, because there might be something that I don’t like… it’s not always noticeable and so I’m not sure if it’s anything at all (and of course I hope it’s nothing), but I’m a bit scared. No bad news, please.

off coffee, on progesterone

I haven’t had any for over a week now. Not that I expect this will get me pregnant, but just to be sure, just to have tried it. Even though I asked my doc about this very issue, and she said “as long as you’re not having 200 per day” …
I miss it. Not even so much the caffeine itself — I’m actually fine if I sleep enough, assuming work doesn’t get terribly busy, plus I still have 1-2 cups of green tea in the morning — but just this time that I set aside for myself. Just me, my coffee, maybe something to read or the sunshine to enjoy. Because sometimes it is the small things in life that can make me happy. And I don’t like cutting them out. Well, 5 days to go, then I can test and if it’s negative I’ll get myself a big nice latte.

BTW, any thoughts about decaf? I tend to say that I want “real coffee or no coffee” but maybe I could cheat and get some caffeine-free-me-time? Or is there anything bad in that, too?

In other news, (a) my skin looks horrible (it always does that on progesterone, but this time around it’s particularly bad, even H commented on it — just what I needed), (b) EPO is very expensive here, I’ll probably order it from back home and (c) there have been more pregnancy and birth announcements. Whereas my friend, the one who finally got pregnant after a long time trying? Is on bedrest after an episode of bleeding, and ongoing contractions. And she hasn’t even reached viability yet. I’m so sorry for her. I’m thinking of making her a baby blanket, hoping very much that she’ll need it — soon, but not too soon.

still standing

After almost 2 months of doing different stuff, I’m back. Still not pregnant. The good news is a job lined up for next year that I’m totally excited about — I’d love to start much earlier than I probably will. Like, tomorrow. Maybe a change of scenery would help us in another sense, too.

Before the summer, I thought that, while we may be trying without much (ok, any) success, at least I wasn’t surrounded by bellies popping up here and there. Well, that changed, without warning — at least 5 of my friends are either pregnant or have just given birth. In fact, I heard about a new baby in the family today where I hadn’t even known they were pregnant. Sigh. That did hit me rather unexpectedly this morning. (I don’t like crying at my desk. Good thing nobody seemed to pay too much attention that moment.)

Last Sunday, I woke up at 7am (which never happens), lay wide awake and wondered whether getting pregnant right now would be a good idea (see job above). But now, sad again over everyone else succeeding so seemingly easily*, I would be so happy about a 2nd line. Somehow I just don’t see it coming though. Ideally of course I’d love to start my job, get settled, get some work done, and get pregnant then. But as you all know from unfortunate experience, we cannot exactly schedule this…

Thanks for all your comments on the HSG vs. lap question — since I was travelling most of the time I haven’t had any appointments yet, but I lean towards the lap at the moment, in part because I’ve had some odd pain during my period which I very much hope is not endo, but I’d rather have someone check.

I’ll try to catch up with your blogs in the next days — hoping I’ve missed many BFPs!

* Not all of them: one of my friends told me that it had taken her “a long time”, which gave me some hope — she knew we’ve been trying. I don’t know how long long is though.