bad blogging in bullets

    • Sorry for the lack of updates. A number of things have happened, but nothing major, or at least I still feel as stuck as I have in the past months.
    • I had two major deadlines in December, and H was sick (preschool colds and other ailments combined with an aversion of doctors offices) so I decided to put off serious relationship discussions until after Christmas. But mentally I pulled away. I had already, but this didn’t help.
    • I had not worn my wedding ring in months. H apparently never noticed (go figure). But his mother did. Sigh. So we had some serious discussions on Dec 22 and 23. Wonderful timing, though I guess it never is a good time. We decided to try and work this out – to be perfectly honest, I still don’t have too much hope, and I’m mainly doing this for SB, and to feel like I really tried. I did not want to ruin the first Christmas she might remember – and of course splitting up a day before would have been really hard for me, too.
    • He is at the same time convinced we can and should work this out, and dismissive towards the issues I raise, like fair share of childcare and housework. And I can’t figure out how to make him understand that this is really important to me.
    • He is making some effort though, at least on the chore front.
    • I mentioned the idea of therapy again, several times. And he dismissed every time, and said that, if I saw or had this many problems, then perhaps I should go by myself. And then he completely freaked out when I actually looked up some therapists and made an appointment with one. (Which is still to come, next week.)
    • One aspect I would really like to talk about with the therapist – and that I find hard to discuss with friends, especially those that know both of us – is that, while I really want a better distribution of chores, the change in my feelings that has happened over time might be more difficult. In that, even if we become equal partners around the house and SB, I’m not sure this will change my feelings back to how they were, years ago. It doesn’t help that I still can’t pinpoint what exactly happened, or when things started to go wrong, although I am thinking long and hard about it.
    • It is awfully painful to tell someone you used to love, and promised to love until death parts you, that… actually… I think a few friends, who have been there themselves, have tried to tell me how awfully hard this is, but it might be the sort of thing one doesn’t understand without being there. At least I didn’t. I don’t want to hurt him (though I realize that this is impossible).
    • We don’t do fun things together anymore, and I’m not getting the impression that H is willing to adjust his hobbies (of which there are many) to find something that I would also enjoy. (For background, in our early years I tried out several of the things he likes, but none were really mine, so this stopped. In the last years I’ve basically only been working and taking care of SB – my only “hobby”, if one can call it that, are language classes for our current country. I went to two yoga classes in December, first since SB was born, and it was so nice. So I’m trying to turn that into a regular thing.)
    • I’m sad with the overall situation, but do not see an easy way out. There might not be. But I’m tired of being sad. In some ways it’s better now that we are at least talking about that there is a problem, but it’s still hard and awkward and sometimes painful. And completely unclear in terms of where this is going. My two younger brothers are getting married this year, and I feel like I’m on the opposite end of the spectrum, which again just reminds me of my sadness. And probably makes me feel old (which doesn’t help either).
    • The holiday break, and life in general, also had/have nice parts, it’s not all gloom and doom as this post makes it sound. But it’s already long and chaotic enough, and this was the stuff I needed to write about… next time, perhaps.

 

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still stuck

Sorry for the lack of updates. I really appreciate your comments, support and good wishes, despite my lack of answers sometimes.

Things haven’t really changed much. I have a friend who is going through a similar-but-different situation – also considering divorce, but different details, though overall we both feel somewhat exploited and undervalued by our husbands. I almost wrote “partners”, but that’s really what I’m missing – I want a true partner, who doesn’t feel like he should to ‘help’ me with chores or childcare, but that they’re his responsibility just as much as mine. And that’s not the case. I think it has never been, and to some extent I blame myself for not making clear earlier that this is not an acceptable situation. I was hoping it’d get better by itself, wanting to avoid the conflict. Classic, really. Guess what, no, it doesn’t solve itself.

I started a subscription to the local version of Blue Apron, as I would really like us to eat healthier dinners than pasta-with-pesto. He has done nothing but complain about this. Too expensive, he doesn’t like the food, etc. Dude, if you don’t contribute, you kind of lose the right to complain.

He loves a certain outfit/fashion item – for the sake of discussion and anonymity, let’s say neon workout shirts. He wears them all the time. I used to wear them more, but it’s not my thing right now, so I only wear them on weekends. He’s been complaining I wear them too little, but started to appreciate the fact that I only wear them to make him happy. Whenever I wear one he’ll want to come and cuddle and touch me, but never when I don’t. Now, I’ve never said I’m easy, but this bothers me. Is he actually interested in me, or just in what I’m wearing?

He complains when I have my period. Because ‘then we can’t have sex for a week’ (don’t get me started) and because ‘it reminds him of how we still haven’t managed to make a sibling for SB’. I have decided that we need to get out of this slump before I’m ready to try another transfer, although I have not had the guts to spell it out to him like this. If I went on maternity leave we’d go straight back to me doing all the chores and all the childcare, and I’m just not up for that anymore. Every other man in our social circles does so much more, regardless of whether there are kids in the house or not. I’m so tired of having to ask for help, of him not even seeing all the things I do.

SB’s 3rd birthday is in a week. She is amazing and wonderful, and we are so glad to have her, and so proud of all the things she masters. Sometimes I feel like that’s the only thing we have in common these days, but still, those are the good moments, when I considers waiting this out for another while, just to keep her happy. But on the other hand, I don’t want her to grow up feeling like it’s normal that mommy is exhausted while daddy plays computer games.

The 4th anniversary of losing A&C was over a week ago. Honestly it was a bit strange, remembering how we were so close together in this experience, and how estranged we are now. A mix of sadness over what happened then, and what is now.

And because these things are never easy, here’s another aspect that I haven’t written about so far. There’s someone else. Someone I really like. Nothing has actually happened, and I highly doubt anything will happen unless H and I separate – and even then, who knows. Maybe he just likes me as a friend. I don’t know. Rationally I know I need to make this decision about this relationship, and perhaps about SB, but independent of possible future relationships. But my mind drifts off sometimes… even if I have no idea how realistic any of this is… it’d be nice to have someone to kiss the pain away.

 

out of love

I think that is what happened. At least some of it. I fell out of love.

We talked a bit about our relationship while on vacation. He’s not happy with our sex life (not that I am particularly, but honestly, it’s not at the top of my priority list right now), and suggested an open relationship. But I don’t think that’s for me. So he said that in this case he might leave eventually – and was taken aback when I said that would be fine. (He also said, sometime during this conversation, that he did not believe counselling would help.)

When he comes into a room, most of the time, he doesn’t do much to greet me. He hugs and kisses SB, sure, but me? Well, I’m just there. So in a sense I’m puzzled at his surprise.

And still I’m having a hard time with this. I wonder if it is because, years ago, I made a promise? A promise to stay with him in good and bad times.

We have certainly have bad times. And good ones. But we were together in them. Now it feels like we are already separated, if not formally, then emotionally.

 

More MicroblogMondays

Sunday moment 

I’m usually not one to lament the fact that SB is growing up. I loved her baby months, but I also just love seeing the person she is growing into. Perhaps because I know how it is when they stay tiny forever, perhaps I would have been like this anyway. 

But just now she climbed into my lap, asking to “snuggle boobie” (we stopped nursing a few months ago, but she still loves to snuggle up against my naked boobs) and then fell asleep. And it makes me a little sad that she’ll stop doing this eventually. 

stagnation

  • We had a chat about how things are going, and I tried to communicate how I’m really not happy with several issues right now (and have been for a while). We were both clearly unhappy. Sad. And it may have helped in the sense that he seems to be trying to do a bit more. Not way-over-the-top, but it’s a start.
  • Still, I feel like something is broken. And I’m not sure if I can get over that / recover from that.
  • In the middle of all this, I was preparing for another FET. Yeah, not the best timing, but we had planned it as we’ll be travelling to the west coast… and we both really want to give SB a living sibling. Unfortunately I have a big cyst on the left ovary, so the transfer is cancelled before we really started anything. Better like this than last time, where it was cancelled a day before it would have happened… but still, sad. Frustrating. And — while right now clearly is not the best time, or state of relationship, to grow our family — I had been hoping it could help bring us closer again. Something we both care about. Of course it could also have exacerbated the tensions over who does what. In any case, it makes me sad.
  • And yet, with two cancelled transfers, I can’t help but wonder if it’s the universe trying to tell me something.

changes

Despite good intentions, I have not become a better blogger. In part because life is full, with a little monkey and a great job and, finally, some nice weather.
In part it is because thing I feel like I’d need to write about is so complicated, and something I did not see coming. At all.
As I may or may not have mentioned, we bought a house earlier this year. The entire process was stressful for a number of reasons. H has long had issues with making decisions on purchases, going back and forth over all the possible pros and cons, both before and after making an “official” decision. No matter if it’s a pizza, a computer, or a house. And to some extent this is necessary, especially in this order of magnitude. But it’s also wearing. Especially once the contract had been signed and all wait periods had passed, it just really didn’t make sense to discuss why this may have been the wrong choice after all. I mainly tried to wait it out, hoping that, once we moved, he’d see the advantages and settle in. We’ve moved a few times already, and it always took him a while to adjust.
But he’s still complaining. Not just about the house, about all sorts of things, about how he thought he’d be more successful professionally at this age, etc. I’m tired of all the complaining. I’m not at the professional level where I was hoping to be either, but I love my job, I have a wonderful child, and live in a good and safe place. He seems unable to focus on the good in his life, and it’s been like this for years. Perhaps my patience for the endless complaints has worn thin.
The other issue I’m struggling with is that he doesn’t seem to make our family life a priority. He’ll sit on the couch with his laptop instead of playing with his daughter or help set the table. When I point this out, he’ll have some excuse like “I’m tired” – because I clearly had 12 hours of sleep and spent the day at a spa.
We don’t do much for fun together anymore. I asked a friend to watch SB and planned a dinner for our anniversary, and it took a long time to convince him that we should actually go out just the two of us. Then finally he changed plans and we only had a very rushed dinner before going to the movies. And while I really liked Wonder Woman, it would have been good to sit and talk.

I know marriage is hard (Bunny had some great posts on this over the years). But I have no idea what happened. Or what I’m supposed to do. How to explain him that I’m so unhappy with the situation that divorce is a realistic option. How to say any of this without him getting very upset and thus eliminating the chances of actually having a conversation.

Sometimes I feel the only thing we have in common anymore is SB. And, much as we love her, that may not be enough to keep the relationship alive.