out of love

I think that is what happened. At least some of it. I fell out of love.

We talked a bit about our relationship while on vacation. He’s not happy with our sex life (not that I am particularly, but honestly, it’s not at the top of my priority list right now), and suggested an open relationship. But I don’t think that’s for me. So he said that in this case he might leave eventually – and was taken aback when I said that would be fine. (He also said, sometime during this conversation, that he did not believe counselling would help.)

When he comes into a room, most of the time, he doesn’t do much to greet me. He hugs and kisses SB, sure, but me? Well, I’m just there. So in a sense I’m puzzled at his surprise.

And still I’m having a hard time with this. I wonder if it is because, years ago, I made a promise? A promise to stay with him in good and bad times.

We have certainly have bad times. And good ones. But we were together in them. Now it feels like we are already separated, if not formally, then emotionally.

 

More MicroblogMondays

Advertisements

stagnation

  • We had a chat about how things are going, and I tried to communicate how I’m really not happy with several issues right now (and have been for a while). We were both clearly unhappy. Sad. And it may have helped in the sense that he seems to be trying to do a bit more. Not way-over-the-top, but it’s a start.
  • Still, I feel like something is broken. And I’m not sure if I can get over that / recover from that.
  • In the middle of all this, I was preparing for another FET. Yeah, not the best timing, but we had planned it as we’ll be travelling to the west coast… and we both really want to give SB a living sibling. Unfortunately I have a big cyst on the left ovary, so the transfer is cancelled before we really started anything. Better like this than last time, where it was cancelled a day before it would have happened… but still, sad. Frustrating. And — while right now clearly is not the best time, or state of relationship, to grow our family — I had been hoping it could help bring us closer again. Something we both care about. Of course it could also have exacerbated the tensions over who does what. In any case, it makes me sad.
  • And yet, with two cancelled transfers, I can’t help but wonder if it’s the universe trying to tell me something.

changes

Despite good intentions, I have not become a better blogger. In part because life is full, with a little monkey and a great job and, finally, some nice weather.
In part it is because thing I feel like I’d need to write about is so complicated, and something I did not see coming. At all.
As I may or may not have mentioned, we bought a house earlier this year. The entire process was stressful for a number of reasons. H has long had issues with making decisions on purchases, going back and forth over all the possible pros and cons, both before and after making an “official” decision. No matter if it’s a pizza, a computer, or a house. And to some extent this is necessary, especially in this order of magnitude. But it’s also wearing. Especially once the contract had been signed and all wait periods had passed, it just really didn’t make sense to discuss why this may have been the wrong choice after all. I mainly tried to wait it out, hoping that, once we moved, he’d see the advantages and settle in. We’ve moved a few times already, and it always took him a while to adjust.
But he’s still complaining. Not just about the house, about all sorts of things, about how he thought he’d be more successful professionally at this age, etc. I’m tired of all the complaining. I’m not at the professional level where I was hoping to be either, but I love my job, I have a wonderful child, and live in a good and safe place. He seems unable to focus on the good in his life, and it’s been like this for years. Perhaps my patience for the endless complaints has worn thin.
The other issue I’m struggling with is that he doesn’t seem to make our family life a priority. He’ll sit on the couch with his laptop instead of playing with his daughter or help set the table. When I point this out, he’ll have some excuse like “I’m tired” – because I clearly had 12 hours of sleep and spent the day at a spa.
We don’t do much for fun together anymore. I asked a friend to watch SB and planned a dinner for our anniversary, and it took a long time to convince him that we should actually go out just the two of us. Then finally he changed plans and we only had a very rushed dinner before going to the movies. And while I really liked Wonder Woman, it would have been good to sit and talk.

I know marriage is hard (Bunny had some great posts on this over the years). But I have no idea what happened. Or what I’m supposed to do. How to explain him that I’m so unhappy with the situation that divorce is a realistic option. How to say any of this without him getting very upset and thus eliminating the chances of actually having a conversation.

Sometimes I feel the only thing we have in common anymore is SB. And, much as we love her, that may not be enough to keep the relationship alive.