I may be overinterpreting this

Thanks for all your sweet comments! We are back home and H is doing better, and off to the doctor for longer-term plans for that blood pressure.

On New Year’s Eve, my dad pulled me into a tight hug and said he hopes that my biggest dream comes true. And that’s what I wish for you, too.

Too few hours later, I was waiting in the security line at the airport, caught sight of a young woman with a stroller in the family lane and remembered that I had been over there, only a few months ago, happily pregnant with A & C. And now I was here, a little sad, and feeling sick and hungry. But why was I sick and hungry anyway? I’d had some sort of breakfast (half a grapefruit, leftover pieces of gingerbread and some nuts and raisins… sort of, as I said) and I hadn’t had that many drinks. And there was really only one time when I’d been feeling nauseous and hungry simultaneously: in the first 3-4 months of my pregnancy last year.

The timeline for the FET was expecting my period to start in late December. However, I’m now thinking the bleeding after the saline sonogram sort of reset my cycle – I started producing cervical mucus around Christmas, and two days later EWCM was literally dripping out of me. And the in-laws were out* so we had the whole morning to ourselves… The next day I woke up with considerable pain low in my pelvis, which subsided as the day went on. I’ve had this before and think it is associated with ovulation. Which would put me to around 6dpo on the 1st. Rather early for feeling any symptoms, isn’t it?

Well, they’re still here. I took a test on Saturday – negative. I immediately dismissed it as too early, wondering why I took it to begin with. Not keen on seeing another negative, I decided to wait a bit… I was going for Tuesday, H thinks we should wait until Thursday, which should be 14dpo. Of course I have my nurse waiting for me to let her know about my period so that she can adapt the FET timeline… In the past when I was charting, my luteal phase was usually short, 9 to 10 days. I even have some progesterone left that I briefly considered using, just in case – but, as our IVF contract only covers the FET until February, if I’m not pregnant I’d want that period to arrive sooner rather than later. Another strange limbo.

Should I not miraculously have become pregnant on my own (and how I hope I have!), the plan for the FET is to transfer one embryo. Both my MFM and my RE were adamant about this. We still don’t know what went wrong in the twin pregnancy, but there is at least the possibility of cervical insufficiency and/or that my body didn’t handle the “uterine distension” from carrying twins well. Apparently there are a number of possible treatments for cervix issues with singletons (progesterone, cerclage or a pessary to keep the cervix closed) that – for unknown reasons – don’t seem to work in twin pregnancies. So even if my cervix got short again, there’d be more possibilities that would hopefully let me carry a baby to term, or at least much longer than 20 weeks. And there would be much closer monitoring, too. And as we have previously transferred two and I got pregnant with twins, single embryo transfer seems a reasonable approach. I can only imagine how much harder this must be for those of you who have had failed transfers.

* There is no door separating the part of the house where we stay, which drastically reduces occasions for intimacy. Sigh. The in-laws do not seem to grasp the concept of privacy.

overdue (but not the way you think)

See, I couldn’t put this title without a clarification — according to FemCal my period is due today, but given how much my luteal phase length varies depending on vitamin B6 (on), progesterone (off) and perhaps other factors, that doesn’t mean particularly much. No, the thing I’m waiting for is an answer regarding money I’ve applied for, work-wise. The estimated date for getting back to us isn’t really long ago, so it might not mean anything that I haven’t heard from them… but I’m kind of hopeful, nevertheless (and scared that blogging about it will jinx my chances) — see, it’s just like with the bloody period.

I haven’t been around much, and it likely won’t change for a while, as we’ll be moving soon. Lots and lots (and lots) of stuff to do, I kind of don’t know how my head is supposed to handle it all. While sorting through my clothes I found a cardigan… a maternity cardigan. Bought in blissful times when I though I’d be glowing and happy. Years and years ago, when I was still on the pill and far from married. I had forgotten about it. And, maybe, forgotten about the carefree girl I once was.

I decided to keep it, just in case.