still stuck

Sorry for the lack of updates. I really appreciate your comments, support and good wishes, despite my lack of answers sometimes.

Things haven’t really changed much. I have a friend who is going through a similar-but-different situation – also considering divorce, but different details, though overall we both feel somewhat exploited and undervalued by our husbands. I almost wrote “partners”, but that’s really what I’m missing – I want a true partner, who doesn’t feel like he should to ‘help’ me with chores or childcare, but that they’re his responsibility just as much as mine. And that’s not the case. I think it has never been, and to some extent I blame myself for not making clear earlier that this is not an acceptable situation. I was hoping it’d get better by itself, wanting to avoid the conflict. Classic, really. Guess what, no, it doesn’t solve itself.

I started a subscription to the local version of Blue Apron, as I would really like us to eat healthier dinners than pasta-with-pesto. He has done nothing but complain about this. Too expensive, he doesn’t like the food, etc. Dude, if you don’t contribute, you kind of lose the right to complain.

He loves a certain outfit/fashion item – for the sake of discussion and anonymity, let’s say neon workout shirts. He wears them all the time. I used to wear them more, but it’s not my thing right now, so I only wear them on weekends. He’s been complaining I wear them too little, but started to appreciate the fact that I only wear them to make him happy. Whenever I wear one he’ll want to come and cuddle and touch me, but never when I don’t. Now, I’ve never said I’m easy, but this bothers me. Is he actually interested in me, or just in what I’m wearing?

He complains when I have my period. Because ‘then we can’t have sex for a week’ (don’t get me started) and because ‘it reminds him of how we still haven’t managed to make a sibling for SB’. I have decided that we need to get out of this slump before I’m ready to try another transfer, although I have not had the guts to spell it out to him like this. If I went on maternity leave we’d go straight back to me doing all the chores and all the childcare, and I’m just not up for that anymore. Every other man in our social circles does so much more, regardless of whether there are kids in the house or not. I’m so tired of having to ask for help, of him not even seeing all the things I do.

SB’s 3rd birthday is in a week. She is amazing and wonderful, and we are so glad to have her, and so proud of all the things she masters. Sometimes I feel like that’s the only thing we have in common these days, but still, those are the good moments, when I considers waiting this out for another while, just to keep her happy. But on the other hand, I don’t want her to grow up feeling like it’s normal that mommy is exhausted while daddy plays computer games.

The 4th anniversary of losing A&C was over a week ago. Honestly it was a bit strange, remembering how we were so close together in this experience, and how estranged we are now. A mix of sadness over what happened then, and what is now.

And because these things are never easy, here’s another aspect that I haven’t written about so far. There’s someone else. Someone I really like. Nothing has actually happened, and I highly doubt anything will happen unless H and I separate – and even then, who knows. Maybe he just likes me as a friend. I don’t know. Rationally I know I need to make this decision about this relationship, and perhaps about SB, but independent of possible future relationships. But my mind drifts off sometimes… even if I have no idea how realistic any of this is… it’d be nice to have someone to kiss the pain away.


9 thoughts on “still stuck

  1. Oh life and all of it’s complications… right? I have been hoping for an update as I know how hard this time is. The time of feeling stuck, unsure, which path to go down? Have you sat down and talked to him about what you need and want from him? With my soon to be ex-husband I came away from that marriage knowing in my heart that I did everything I possibly could to try and make it work, and even if HIS opinion and views of the past were different, I knew that for ME I had done my due diligence. I had sat with him, talked with him, explained what i needed, and I did it a lot, for years really…. And nothing ever changed, so I changed, and I started depending on myself, because trying to depend on a husband that just isn’t there was too painful. So I took over and I did it all… But in the end, what’s the point of being married if you are doing it all on your own??? I had spent years asking myself that question… So here I am now. He has been out of the house for 7 months, he just found his own apartment, our daughter is now back and forth between the two, paperwork is just waiting for a judges signature and then it will be official. I am back at work full time and am so much happier than I have been in years. Because even though I am still doing it all, at least i am doing it all on my OWN terms, and I am doing it for me, and for my daughter. and now, now there is the potential for me to find happiness again….
    Don’t look to someone else to make the pain go away, this is a decision you have to make for you, not for the possibility of someone else…
    hang in there, the answers will come to you….

    1. Thanks for sharing. I definitely feel that his opinions on how hard I try differ from mine.
      Part of the challenge is that SB goes to bed rather late (often because he doesn’t “remember” until almost bedtime that he wanted to play with her…) and this is not the sort of discussion I want to have in front of her. And then sometimes I’m too tired, or too chicken, to have the hard discussions in the precious little quiet couple time we have. But last weekend I started a discussion during SB’s nap. He said he’d never agree to some of the things I want, like fair share of housework. When I asked whether he meant that, even if it meant I’d leave, he just smiled and said then than I apparently didn’t love him enough.
      Basically he doesn’t take me seriously. He doesn’t believe I will actually get divorced. That he can keep getting away with laziness. And I don’t see how to make it clear, short of a letter from the authorities formally filing separation.

  2. Sorry this so complicated and hard. I don’t know what else to say, but what Charlotte says above makes sense: know that you did all you could to make the marriage work (without being a doormat or putting up with neglect or abuse, because nobody should). Also have to agree with the statement that there’s not much point in being married if you always feel alone. Sending good thoughts your way and also an early happy birthday to SB.

  3. I agree with Caroline. I think that you have said that your husband is not interested in doing couples counseling, but eventually if you do end the marriage then you need to talk to him about what YOU need and how your marriage can feel like a partnership. Then you won’t have any regrets.

    While I’m sure the new person is exciting and different, I would caution you about going down that road (at least while you are still married). If you want to work things out with your husband or think that your marriage have a chance, you don’t want to have done anything. Then you have to either tell your husband or live in fear/regret that he will find out at some point. It would be best to make sure that your marriage is completely over before doing anything.

    I’m so sorry that things are not getting any better. Complaining that you are on your period is quite ridiculous.

    1. Thanks! You’re right – I really don’t think anything would happen before I’ve sorted out my current relationship (the other guy and I work together, so there’s more at stake than either of us is willing to risk for a quick affair, I think).
      I’m working on telling him. Communication is hard…

  4. Oh man. I’m so sorry you’re still stuck in this rough patch. It breaks my heart for you. My hubby and I have gone through our rough patches over the years, but so far have managed to always work through them (for the most part). Having an interest on the side definitely doesn’t help the situation, but I’m sure that it’s a nice feeling to have someone else interested when your man at home seems anything but. As NSC said, I’d caution you going forward there until you know for sure where you are at in your marriage and whether or not you want to continue trying, or find the exit. Sounds like your husband could really use a kick in the ass.

    1. If you could come over and deliver that kick, please do ;)
      I think all long relationships have rough patches. I’m just really struggling to get out of this one, especially since he doesn’t see the problems I see.
      Thanks for your support!

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