Christmas

On the first night of Christmas, the Universe gave to me:
an upset stomach, hours in the bathroom, and a negative HPT.

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if nipples could talk

… I would have asked “Are you darker than normally, or are you just teasing me?”. But they didn’t answer. And perhaps they would have lied, just to tease me some more.

The test I did yesterday was plainer — one line. My husband doesn’t trust it, as it’s from e.bay, but I’m afraid it’s probably correct. F*ck. I had been crying so much lately that he sort of assumed I was pregnant. Well, I cried some more and then tried to spend the rest of the day tear-free (and mostly succeeded, even).

I have a lot of things on my mind, revolving around “what is wrong / what are we doing wrong?”. The not-knowing is hard. I’ll go back to my doc this month, to schedule HSG or lap, and probably another SA. I’m afraid of my life revolving around IF. I’m tired of this, although I do realize that I haven’t been in this process for very long, compared to many others. But if it’s already so hard now, how will I deal with this a few years down the road, assuming this doesn’t work out anytime soon? I’m scared, and this doesn’t make the whole situation any better.

Thanks for all your congratulations on the job. It’s the one thing I hope may take my mind off this ttc business.

how to tell

Thanks for all your comments regarding HSG vs. lap. I’m still thinking about it, and I’ll be away most of next month anyway so nothing will happen before September. BTW, I peed on a stick yesterday (14dpo), and guess what, it was negative. So much for that.

With the upcoming holidays and family visits, I find myself thinking about what to tell, and whom. The in-laws know already, not so much on purpose but because we went to see a specialist in their city and had to tell them why we couldn’t be home in time for lunch (well, looking at it now I guess we could have made up an excuse…) Also, everyone knows that I want kids, in fact have been wanting them for a long time, so it would be odd, and not true to myself, to pretend we were waiting on purpose.
On my side of the family, only one of my brothers knows. He’s most open to discussing such things, it just sort of came up and I was fine telling him. Not that I don’t want the others to know, but I don’t know how to start that conversation. It’s not a great thing to tell for sure, it’s not urgent in the sense that there’s a need to tell them now rather than next time I come to visit. Yet I want them to know, and at least my dad and my older brother are unlikely to ask anytime soon. It’s just not in their nature. My business — if I want to share, I’m welcome, but if not, they leave me alone and talk about other stuff.

From the outside, my life must look great at the moment. I live in a cool city, recently got married and now finished my degree — what more could a girl want? She wants a baby. More than anything, really. And while it hurts that I don’t know when and how we will get there, there’s an extra sting to having everyone think I’m doing great.

Any suggestions? How did you tell your families, if you did?