bad blogging in bullets

    • Sorry for the lack of updates. A number of things have happened, but nothing major, or at least I still feel as stuck as I have in the past months.
    • I had two major deadlines in December, and H was sick (preschool colds and other ailments combined with an aversion of doctors offices) so I decided to put off serious relationship discussions until after Christmas. But mentally I pulled away. I had already, but this didn’t help.
    • I had not worn my wedding ring in months. H apparently never noticed (go figure). But his mother did. Sigh. So we had some serious discussions on Dec 22 and 23. Wonderful timing, though I guess it never is a good time. We decided to try and work this out – to be perfectly honest, I still don’t have too much hope, and I’m mainly doing this for SB, and to feel like I really tried. I did not want to ruin the first Christmas she might remember – and of course splitting up a day before would have been really hard for me, too.
    • He is at the same time convinced we can and should work this out, and dismissive towards the issues I raise, like fair share of childcare and housework. And I can’t figure out how to make him understand that this is really important to me.
    • He is making some effort though, at least on the chore front.
    • I mentioned the idea of therapy again, several times. And he dismissed every time, and said that, if I saw or had this many problems, then perhaps I should go by myself. And then he completely freaked out when I actually looked up some therapists and made an appointment with one. (Which is still to come, next week.)
    • One aspect I would really like to talk about with the therapist – and that I find hard to discuss with friends, especially those that know both of us – is that, while I really want a better distribution of chores, the change in my feelings that has happened over time might be more difficult. In that, even if we become equal partners around the house and SB, I’m not sure this will change my feelings back to how they were, years ago. It doesn’t help that I still can’t pinpoint what exactly happened, or when things started to go wrong, although I am thinking long and hard about it.
    • It is awfully painful to tell someone you used to love, and promised to love until death parts you, that… actually… I think a few friends, who have been there themselves, have tried to tell me how awfully hard this is, but it might be the sort of thing one doesn’t understand without being there. At least I didn’t. I don’t want to hurt him (though I realize that this is impossible).
    • We don’t do fun things together anymore, and I’m not getting the impression that H is willing to adjust his hobbies (of which there are many) to find something that I would also enjoy. (For background, in our early years I tried out several of the things he likes, but none were really mine, so this stopped. In the last years I’ve basically only been working and taking care of SB – my only “hobby”, if one can call it that, are language classes for our current country. I went to two yoga classes in December, first since SB was born, and it was so nice. So I’m trying to turn that into a regular thing.)
    • I’m sad with the overall situation, but do not see an easy way out. There might not be. But I’m tired of being sad. In some ways it’s better now that we are at least talking about that there is a problem, but it’s still hard and awkward and sometimes painful. And completely unclear in terms of where this is going. My two younger brothers are getting married this year, and I feel like I’m on the opposite end of the spectrum, which again just reminds me of my sadness. And probably makes me feel old (which doesn’t help either).
    • The holiday break, and life in general, also had/have nice parts, it’s not all gloom and doom as this post makes it sound. But it’s already long and chaotic enough, and this was the stuff I needed to write about… next time, perhaps.


11 thoughts on “bad blogging in bullets

  1. Oh my dear, I know this has been and continues to be an agonizing process for you. I know you’ll come out of it stronger and wiser, and that you will find happiness again (outside of motherhood of course–I know you enjoy being SB’s mother). So glad you are looking to find things you enjoy, such as yoga, and taking care of yourself during this time. Much love ❤ XO

  2. I legit could have written this a year ago…. I’ve commented before and have been watching your blog for updates as I know.. I KNOW how hard this is. I had the very same type of experience and it took a long time for me to even explain to myself how I felt. In the end I realized that I had closed down from him emotionally because I couldn’t depend on him. It was one little let down, one little “oh, I forgot”, one little “do what you like”, one little “I’m at the office late” at a time, and I slowly started turning to depend on myself, as I knew that I would follow through… I fell out of love, I loved him but wasn’t IN LOVE with him… and it is an impossible thing to really have to admit to yourself…
    One thing that has really helped me is keeping a journal, it helped me remember when things started, how I was feeling about it all, and just the honesty of how I was feeling, and how I had been feeling for YEARS….
    Our divorce was finalized the day after Thanksgiving, he had been out of the house since early march… I am now living a completely different version of life than I EVER thought would happen to me. And you know what? I’m so very glad that I am here…
    If you ever want to reach out for support or anything my e-mail is here. Sometimes it is easier to try and chat and explain these things with someone who is a neutral person, especially having just gone through it…
    Hang in there, you are strong enough to get through anything that might come!

  3. There are no easy answers, I am sorry. I think doing something for you, like the yoga classes, is wonderful and much needed. We all need those moments for us when we can focus on ourselves and be still. I hope it helps provide you with clarity and peace as you navigate this season in life.

  4. You say he is convinced you guys can work things out yet he refuses to change or do what you are asking. So in actuality, he just wants YOU to adjust and not him. If he really wants to work things out, he would be trying hard to do the things that you are asking for. He just wants to do what he wants and you be happy with it. Until he is ready to listen and act, your marriage is doomed. I would suggest a trial separation. Ask him to move out and give you some space. See how it goes – he may hate it so much it will convince him to start doing more around the house. Once you decide the marriage is over, file and move on. Don’t drag it out. It is much easier to rip that bandage off and be done. I have been there, done that.

  5. I’m not in your situation, but if my spouse gave up on being a *partner* to me, and refused to adjust his life in any way so that we could both do what we needed and wanted to do in roughly equal measure, I’d be somewhere past annoyed.

    I don’t think a fair share has to mean exactly half and half, but something *both* people feel is fair and gives them equitable distributions of work and leisure time. Someone who’s unwilling to compromise is skimming off all your extra time and energy and you’re just supposed to… roll over? Not cool, spouse-of-yours, not cool.

  6. It’s not bad blogging if the blog gets written! I don’t have much to add to your insightful thoughts or the ones above. I am sorry this is so hard and so complicated. I agree with Jenny Scientist: I want my partner to be a partner. Actions speak louder than words.

  7. I am so, sorry sorry for this pain. I would highly recommend the movie Fireproof as a great place to start with all this. It was pretty helpful for me and my marriage. I’d even be happy to send it to you, if that would help. Love, Kristin

    1. This all sucks and can seem so hard to overcome. I have personally been through some hard marriage struggles. Couples counseling didn’t work and wasn’t really our thing…it’s pretty hard to hear someone tell a third party all the ways you suck right in front of you and not just lose your mind. BUT…I did do my own therapy which was immensely helpful in that I was able to talk freely and feel and re-examine things and own my own shit and get ways to help cope that were perhaps more helpful than simply shouting at one another. We also did the book The Love Dare (which is the companion to the movie Fireproof that Kristin mentioned above.) Basically you read each chapter which is like 2 pages…you can do it separate or together. Then there is a “date” to do the following day. It starts off easy and simple and almost No Duh…”Love is Kind” and then you try to just go about the next day being kind to one another. It is really beautiful. I thought my feeling had changed and working through this book really helped it all to come back to the reason I chose him to begin with and vice versa. I wish you much love and peace.

  8. Kudos to you for scheduling an appointment to see a counselor. Go figure that H would freak out that you’d actually take the steps to do that. I’m glad that things have at least come out more in the open so you have the opportunity to work on things, even if it feels impossible. As you said, you’ll at least be able to say you tried everything.

  9. How did the counseling appointment go? I agree with dalinsors that he just wants you to change and he seems unwilling to do so himself. Freaking out with you booking a counseling appointment and then you attending the counseling appointment may wake him up as to how unhappy you are? It’s hard once you turn off your feelings for someone to bring them back, even if they start to change a little bit.

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