in between

Thanks for all your good wishes! I really appreciate your support. I’m very hopeful, but simultaneously quite scared. Perhaps because I now have a better idea of what we could lose… and what we could gain.

A & C’s due date, February 25/26* will be during my 2ww. Somehow that seems fitting. It would have been a waiting period – theoretically at least, given that they were twins they’d have been early either way, but I never specifically calculated any other date. Now it will be a waiting period, filled with hopeful thoughts for a first step towards bringing home a sibling for them.

For Christmas, H gave me a ring in memory of A & C. We bought it in the same place where we had gotten my wedding jewelery**, and a part of the ring was called “starry sky”. Obviously it was perfect. When I got back here, a few people admired it, but then nobody commented on it for a while – until just before and just after the lining ultrasound. I like to think it was A & C telling us they’re ok with us moving forward.


* even with IVF we didn’t get an exact due date…
** that sounds so fancy and expensive, but in reality I think it was quite modest, or at least appropriately modest for a grad student wedding

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a random collection of nervous bullets

  • Over the weekend I thought I might go back to some of the regular yoga exercises I had been doing previously, after two weeks of fertility yoga. Except on Monday morning I felt queasy, and on Tuesday it was pretty much all-day queasiness. My innards remind me of an active volcano, considering eruption (although fortunately so far nothing has actually happened yet). So I’m sticking with the laid-back version that just gives an extra Good Morning serving of oxygen to all my cells and embryos, and some sanity to me.
  • My tight pants are too tight.
  • H is getting increasingly worried about twins. The other day he threw two 20-sided dice – 2 and 2 came up. I keep telling him we haven’t even made it across the 50% barrier of getting pregnant at all, although I have to admit that I’m really hopeful at this point.
  • I saw some cute shoes downtown. H asked to see them online. I had to laugh when I saw their name.

so much fat

Yesterday my clinic called me to ask how I’m doing in my 2ww, which I thought was very sweet of them. In fact, I had two presentations at work last week and have thus been so busy that sitting around and wondering wasn’t really an option. Not that I don’t think about our precious little embryos every day hour minute (ok, maybe every few minutes). But overall I’ve been remarkably calm, much in contrast to previous (natural) cycles that had me in tears about the possible outcome every other day.

I still don’t have many side effects, not even sore boobs, which I’ve definitely had in the past. The progesterone shots and the egg retrieval were the two parts of IVF I was physically most afraid of. After retrieval I was sore, but not worse than after my saline sonogram (though I’m sure the drugs helped). My husband is admirably performing the PIO shots, although his frequent comment on the fact that I have “so much fat” back there shadows the experience slightly. He’s quick to reassure that this only is a technical observation because he needs to get the needle into the muscle, but still, not what a girl wants to hear. Although, admittedly – the nurse offered to draw circles around the injection sites after retrieval, and when I took her up on it, she made smileys. Which I thought was cute and wanted to post here, until I saw the picture H took. My butt is so out of shape it isn’t pretty. (My front side is fine, if I may say so myself, so that sort of came as a surprise.)

Something – or, hopefully, someone – is pinching me from the inside every now and then. Beta on Friday. I hope this week will pass as quickly as the last one, and I so much hope we’ll get good news on Friday. Thanks for hoping with me :)

unsurprisingly, that didn’t work

Negative. Again. Though I think I took it ok this time (as in, I did not burst into tears). And of course I had coffee — real, proper, caffeinated coffee — today.

There was something weird about this cycle though. Last week, I noticed that I lost much less hair when showering and combing than usual. And I had cramps — not bad, but of increasing strength over the week. Until Friday evening, when they suddenly stopped without any apparent reason (that would be 9dpo, I think). From Saturday on much more hair loss (back to normal really — I don’t know if it’s actually a lot, but I have dark and thick hair so it’s very obvious) and no more cramps. Could this have been a very early miscarriage? Or am I over-interpreting my symptoms? I only tested today, didn’t even think about it on Saturday, so I have no idea if there would have been any hcg to detect… I’ve had one sort of similar experience with symptoms until 9dpo, but again, I have no idea if I was pregnant then, or just symptom-crazy. If anyone has experienced something similar, or more ideas on how to interpret this (and what to do), please share.

still standing

After almost 2 months of doing different stuff, I’m back. Still not pregnant. The good news is a job lined up for next year that I’m totally excited about — I’d love to start much earlier than I probably will. Like, tomorrow. Maybe a change of scenery would help us in another sense, too.

Before the summer, I thought that, while we may be trying without much (ok, any) success, at least I wasn’t surrounded by bellies popping up here and there. Well, that changed, without warning — at least 5 of my friends are either pregnant or have just given birth. In fact, I heard about a new baby in the family today where I hadn’t even known they were pregnant. Sigh. That did hit me rather unexpectedly this morning. (I don’t like crying at my desk. Good thing nobody seemed to pay too much attention that moment.)

Last Sunday, I woke up at 7am (which never happens), lay wide awake and wondered whether getting pregnant right now would be a good idea (see job above). But now, sad again over everyone else succeeding so seemingly easily*, I would be so happy about a 2nd line. Somehow I just don’t see it coming though. Ideally of course I’d love to start my job, get settled, get some work done, and get pregnant then. But as you all know from unfortunate experience, we cannot exactly schedule this…

Thanks for all your comments on the HSG vs. lap question — since I was travelling most of the time I haven’t had any appointments yet, but I lean towards the lap at the moment, in part because I’ve had some odd pain during my period which I very much hope is not endo, but I’d rather have someone check.

I’ll try to catch up with your blogs in the next days — hoping I’ve missed many BFPs!

* Not all of them: one of my friends told me that it had taken her “a long time”, which gave me some hope — she knew we’ve been trying. I don’t know how long long is though.

if you can’t stand the heat

Dear 2ww,

you’re more than halfway over. I don’t feel any particular symptoms, but I wanted to remind you that I’ll be travelling a lot next month, including interviews and going out with people that know that I’m normally not against a glass of wine or two…

hinting broadly,
with love,
CC

***

A bummer despite the probable good timing is that, given the (outside) temperatures around here, I don’t have much hope for H’s sperm, to be honest. Technically we do have air conditioning. Practically though, we have neighbors that smoke a lot. So when get to choose between hot air and cold smoke. Lovely. Heat to kill the sperm or smoke, what’s your pick?

In other news, I’ve been to the doctor and we made tentative plans for the next tests (assuming the 2ww doesn’t listen to my hints above), but I need to think about this some more and I’m really busy with everything else at the moment (which is not bad as it’s rather distracting).

when the 2 in 2ww isn’t a 2

Thanks for all your kind comments on the last post. I’m still not bleeding (though I had another horrible dream, with amounts of blood that would easily qualify for the ER).

For a while, my 2ww was really a 1.3ww — hello LPD. That clearly was a problem. Now with the progesterone though, I’m 21dpo. That’s 3 weeks. Some cramping (middle, left, right), some pain in the boobs, but nothing that seems like a “real” symptom (and even if real, it might be caused by the progesterone). I need to pee a lot, but maybe I’m just drinking more? I don’t really want to take another test for fear of disappointment. (I do realize that this is sort of silly.) Argh. I have no idea how to interpret this, how much longer to wait.

Meanwhile, there have been so many bad news in the blogosphere — Adele, Alex, Jess, and several more. I’m sad for them, and find it difficult to be hopeful. Go over and let them know you’re thinking of them, if you haven’t visited already.