still stuck

Sorry for the lack of updates. I really appreciate your comments, support and good wishes, despite my lack of answers sometimes.

Things haven’t really changed much. I have a friend who is going through a similar-but-different situation – also considering divorce, but different details, though overall we both feel somewhat exploited and undervalued by our husbands. I almost wrote “partners”, but that’s really what I’m missing – I want a true partner, who doesn’t feel like he should to ‘help’ me with chores or childcare, but that they’re his responsibility just as much as mine. And that’s not the case. I think it has never been, and to some extent I blame myself for not making clear earlier that this is not an acceptable situation. I was hoping it’d get better by itself, wanting to avoid the conflict. Classic, really. Guess what, no, it doesn’t solve itself.

I started a subscription to the local version of Blue Apron, as I would really like us to eat healthier dinners than pasta-with-pesto. He has done nothing but complain about this. Too expensive, he doesn’t like the food, etc. Dude, if you don’t contribute, you kind of lose the right to complain.

He loves a certain outfit/fashion item – for the sake of discussion and anonymity, let’s say neon workout shirts. He wears them all the time. I used to wear them more, but it’s not my thing right now, so I only wear them on weekends. He’s been complaining I wear them too little, but started to appreciate the fact that I only wear them to make him happy. Whenever I wear one he’ll want to come and cuddle and touch me, but never when I don’t. Now, I’ve never said I’m easy, but this bothers me. Is he actually interested in me, or just in what I’m wearing?

He complains when I have my period. Because ‘then we can’t have sex for a week’ (don’t get me started) and because ‘it reminds him of how we still haven’t managed to make a sibling for SB’. I have decided that we need to get out of this slump before I’m ready to try another transfer, although I have not had the guts to spell it out to him like this. If I went on maternity leave we’d go straight back to me doing all the chores and all the childcare, and I’m just not up for that anymore. Every other man in our social circles does so much more, regardless of whether there are kids in the house or not. I’m so tired of having to ask for help, of him not even seeing all the things I do.

SB’s 3rd birthday is in a week. She is amazing and wonderful, and we are so glad to have her, and so proud of all the things she masters. Sometimes I feel like that’s the only thing we have in common these days, but still, those are the good moments, when I considers waiting this out for another while, just to keep her happy. But on the other hand, I don’t want her to grow up feeling like it’s normal that mommy is exhausted while daddy plays computer games.

The 4th anniversary of losing A&C was over a week ago. Honestly it was a bit strange, remembering how we were so close together in this experience, and how estranged we are now. A mix of sadness over what happened then, and what is now.

And because these things are never easy, here’s another aspect that I haven’t written about so far. There’s someone else. Someone I really like. Nothing has actually happened, and I highly doubt anything will happen unless H and I separate – and even then, who knows. Maybe he just likes me as a friend. I don’t know. Rationally I know I need to make this decision about this relationship, and perhaps about SB, but independent of possible future relationships. But my mind drifts off sometimes… even if I have no idea how realistic any of this is… it’d be nice to have someone to kiss the pain away.

 

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out of love

I think that is what happened. At least some of it. I fell out of love.

We talked a bit about our relationship while on vacation. He’s not happy with our sex life (not that I am particularly, but honestly, it’s not at the top of my priority list right now), and suggested an open relationship. But I don’t think that’s for me. So he said that in this case he might leave eventually – and was taken aback when I said that would be fine. (He also said, sometime during this conversation, that he did not believe counselling would help.)

When he comes into a room, most of the time, he doesn’t do much to greet me. He hugs and kisses SB, sure, but me? Well, I’m just there. So in a sense I’m puzzled at his surprise.

And still I’m having a hard time with this. I wonder if it is because, years ago, I made a promise? A promise to stay with him in good and bad times.

We have certainly have bad times. And good ones. But we were together in them. Now it feels like we are already separated, if not formally, then emotionally.

 

More MicroblogMondays

Sunday moment 

I’m usually not one to lament the fact that SB is growing up. I loved her baby months, but I also just love seeing the person she is growing into. Perhaps because I know how it is when they stay tiny forever, perhaps I would have been like this anyway. 

But just now she climbed into my lap, asking to “snuggle boobie” (we stopped nursing a few months ago, but she still loves to snuggle up against my naked boobs) and then fell asleep. And it makes me a little sad that she’ll stop doing this eventually. 

stagnation

  • We had a chat about how things are going, and I tried to communicate how I’m really not happy with several issues right now (and have been for a while). We were both clearly unhappy. Sad. And it may have helped in the sense that he seems to be trying to do a bit more. Not way-over-the-top, but it’s a start.
  • Still, I feel like something is broken. And I’m not sure if I can get over that / recover from that.
  • In the middle of all this, I was preparing for another FET. Yeah, not the best timing, but we had planned it as we’ll be travelling to the west coast… and we both really want to give SB a living sibling. Unfortunately I have a big cyst on the left ovary, so the transfer is cancelled before we really started anything. Better like this than last time, where it was cancelled a day before it would have happened… but still, sad. Frustrating. And — while right now clearly is not the best time, or state of relationship, to grow our family — I had been hoping it could help bring us closer again. Something we both care about. Of course it could also have exacerbated the tensions over who does what. In any case, it makes me sad.
  • And yet, with two cancelled transfers, I can’t help but wonder if it’s the universe trying to tell me something.

changes

Despite good intentions, I have not become a better blogger. In part because life is full, with a little monkey and a great job and, finally, some nice weather.
In part it is because thing I feel like I’d need to write about is so complicated, and something I did not see coming. At all.
As I may or may not have mentioned, we bought a house earlier this year. The entire process was stressful for a number of reasons. H has long had issues with making decisions on purchases, going back and forth over all the possible pros and cons, both before and after making an “official” decision. No matter if it’s a pizza, a computer, or a house. And to some extent this is necessary, especially in this order of magnitude. But it’s also wearing. Especially once the contract had been signed and all wait periods had passed, it just really didn’t make sense to discuss why this may have been the wrong choice after all. I mainly tried to wait it out, hoping that, once we moved, he’d see the advantages and settle in. We’ve moved a few times already, and it always took him a while to adjust.
But he’s still complaining. Not just about the house, about all sorts of things, about how he thought he’d be more successful professionally at this age, etc. I’m tired of all the complaining. I’m not at the professional level where I was hoping to be either, but I love my job, I have a wonderful child, and live in a good and safe place. He seems unable to focus on the good in his life, and it’s been like this for years. Perhaps my patience for the endless complaints has worn thin.
The other issue I’m struggling with is that he doesn’t seem to make our family life a priority. He’ll sit on the couch with his laptop instead of playing with his daughter or help set the table. When I point this out, he’ll have some excuse like “I’m tired” – because I clearly had 12 hours of sleep and spent the day at a spa.
We don’t do much for fun together anymore. I asked a friend to watch SB and planned a dinner for our anniversary, and it took a long time to convince him that we should actually go out just the two of us. Then finally he changed plans and we only had a very rushed dinner before going to the movies. And while I really liked Wonder Woman, it would have been good to sit and talk.

I know marriage is hard (Bunny had some great posts on this over the years). But I have no idea what happened. Or what I’m supposed to do. How to explain him that I’m so unhappy with the situation that divorce is a realistic option. How to say any of this without him getting very upset and thus eliminating the chances of actually having a conversation.

Sometimes I feel the only thing we have in common anymore is SB. And, much as we love her, that may not be enough to keep the relationship alive.

cancelled

My transfer was cancelled. Last Friday, the doctor monitoring my cycle (at the clinic where our embryos are) suggested I stop all drugs and start over. Given that there usually is a 12h flight between me and my embryos, and I’m not just going to fly over again in 1-2 months, this wasn’t a great option. I talked them into one last-ditch effort, increasing vaginal Estrace to 2x/day and hoping for the best. On Tuesday at yet another ultrasound, the lining was 7.2mm, so we thought we’re good to go. Unfortunately the doctor decided against a transfer, because there was no trilaminar pattern (despite having said on Friday that, at 7mm, she’d transfer even witout stripes).
As you can imagine, I’m frustrated and sad. Sure, I understand that the embryos are very precious, and that we only have a limited number of them. But I am not sure how much evidence there is that the lack of stripes is really critical. And it is very unlikely that we’ll come here for 6 single-embyro-transfers, or attempts to do so. Thus, while they would have looked as transferring now as “wasteful”, realistically, in a few years we may decide (for various reasons) that our clock for having more babies is done, and any embryos we have left will be discarded. So… I’m not convinced that the net outcome will be an different, and now we didn’t even get a shot at pregnancy. And on some level, I wonder how much their concern about their SART statistics plays into this…
I do realize that this is, at least in the world of IVF, a luxurious problem. In the past we have been rather lucky, and most elements of the process went smoothly. My transfer success rate has been stellar. Nevertheless I can’t help and be sad at this loss of opportunity.
There were many things that didn’t work out particularly well in this cycle. The communication between the two clinics was essentially non-existent – the local clinic only ever wanted to talk to me, not my embryo-storing clinic. And, although I have some biomedical knowledge, that led to more delays and annoyances than I care to repeat. So I’ll need to look for a new local clinic, and have a chat with them about how this communication will go, before starting another attempt.
There are some other complicated things going on, unrelated to fertility but still stressful, and to some extent related to our family’s future. I haven’t really blogged about them, but I might in the coming days. Though first of all, I very much look forward to holding SB again tomorrow evening, after an entire week without her. We talked on Skype yesterday, and she was so happy to see me, it was wonderful. Balm on my heart and soul.