my heart

I had another middle-of-the-night panic attack, and have been feeling “jittery” more often that I’d like, particularly in the evenings. I wonder if this correlates with the fact that my grief also most often surfaces when it is dark outside.

This didn’t start until a month or more after we lost the babies, and I assumed it’d go away on its own. But now I’m getting concerned about potential physical damage this frequent stress could do, and will ask my GP for advice.

What I didn’t realize until this morning was that yesterday was the 3-month anniversary of our loss. Probably my subconscious knew.

On bad days I already feel like I failed my daughters, failed my husband, failed as a woman. And somehow these episodes make me feel even more like a failure, and scare me, which in turn makes them worse. I need to get out of this cycle.

I was really hoping to move forward this year, but instead I seem to be stuck in the “one step forward, two steps back” pattern of grief.