grief, interrupted

Apologies for the lack of updates after this rather distressing post. I’m writing a grant (not exactly a recommended activity a few months out of such a loss…) and that is taking most of my time. My husband is not amused. Anyway, my GP thought that my heart sounds just fine, but that I should find a counselor, go to yoga and meditation classes, and try acupuncture. And when I say “my GP” that is vastly exaggerated – the woman I used to see, from the same practice, now only works in their office in the outskirts, too far for me. So I had to tell the whole story again. Which in a sense was good, I think – it brought back the realization that this really was a terrible loss, and that it is okay to still be upset and sad and angry about it. I think I had somewhat withdrawn over the holidays, worried that all the interactions with family members and their sometimes insensitive reactions would be too much. Maybe this was a necessary protection mechanism, but it wasn’t a feasible long-term approach. My body clearly communicated it wasn’t happy.

I’ll write about yoga and meditation another day – I practice yoga at home every day, and going to a class can’t hurt. As I was willing to try acupuncture, my GP checked with some people she works with and found me an opening for the next day. So I went. I had heard some amazing things about acupuncture, and while it wasn’t bad, it wasn’t the most relaxing experience of my life either. I have to admit that I felt considerably more relaxed afterwards (though the cynical part of my mind keeps wondering, wouldn’t that be the case if I laid down and relaxed for half an hour without needles, too?). But the acupuncturist isn’t a good fit for me, I think. She was overly convinced of herself, which I’ve never dealt with well, and now have even less tolerance for. She told me she “was early too” with giving birth, “as she’s on her feet seeing patients all day”, which I found kind of inappropriate, given that she got a healthy living baby out of it and I got a box of ashes. And she asked whether I was on a flare protocol for my FET and wanted to put me on a no-wheat-no-diary fertility diet, kind of making me wonder if she had listened at all. I went back a week later, because I’m all for second chances and I did feel better afterwards after all, but it only confirmed my first impression – acupuncture may be good for me but this person isn’t a good match. So this week I’m seeing someone else in a much more affordable place.

And then, the counseling. I have thought about this. The hospital, the MFM, the RE, they all asked. And the social worker we had in the hospital really wasn’t a good fit for either of us (there may be a pattern here… although, to balance it, my RE and MFM are wonderful). H was so unconvinced that he never wants to see a counselor again. It doesn’t help that, where we grew up, counseling is sort of frowned upon, only for cases where “there’s really something wrong with you”. Sigh. I see that I probably should see someone, but don’t even know where to start. Suggestions? Experiences?

I’ve started to do some meditation before I go to bed. It helps me calm down, and I think I can sleep better after having released some of the sadness. And yesterday I suddenly thought of two little angels, connected to my heart through golden strings. First I was concerned the could completely unravel my heart, as in this awesome video. But then I remembered that my love for them is infinite. Even if they fly to the other end of the universe, there will still be enough love in my heart to connect all the way to them.