changes

Despite good intentions, I have not become a better blogger. In part because life is full, with a little monkey and a great job and, finally, some nice weather.
In part it is because thing I feel like I’d need to write about is so complicated, and something I did not see coming. At all.
As I may or may not have mentioned, we bought a house earlier this year. The entire process was stressful for a number of reasons. H has long had issues with making decisions on purchases, going back and forth over all the possible pros and cons, both before and after making an “official” decision. No matter if it’s a pizza, a computer, or a house. And to some extent this is necessary, especially in this order of magnitude. But it’s also wearing. Especially once the contract had been signed and all wait periods had passed, it just really didn’t make sense to discuss why this may have been the wrong choice after all. I mainly tried to wait it out, hoping that, once we moved, he’d see the advantages and settle in. We’ve moved a few times already, and it always took him a while to adjust.
But he’s still complaining. Not just about the house, about all sorts of things, about how he thought he’d be more successful professionally at this age, etc. I’m tired of all the complaining. I’m not at the professional level where I was hoping to be either, but I love my job, I have a wonderful child, and live in a good and safe place. He seems unable to focus on the good in his life, and it’s been like this for years. Perhaps my patience for the endless complaints has worn thin.
The other issue I’m struggling with is that he doesn’t seem to make our family life a priority. He’ll sit on the couch with his laptop instead of playing with his daughter or help set the table. When I point this out, he’ll have some excuse like “I’m tired” – because I clearly had 12 hours of sleep and spent the day at a spa.
We don’t do much for fun together anymore. I asked a friend to watch SB and planned a dinner for our anniversary, and it took a long time to convince him that we should actually go out just the two of us. Then finally he changed plans and we only had a very rushed dinner before going to the movies. And while I really liked Wonder Woman, it would have been good to sit and talk.

I know marriage is hard (Bunny had some great posts on this over the years). But I have no idea what happened. Or what I’m supposed to do. How to explain him that I’m so unhappy with the situation that divorce is a realistic option. How to say any of this without him getting very upset and thus eliminating the chances of actually having a conversation.

Sometimes I feel the only thing we have in common anymore is SB. And, much as we love her, that may not be enough to keep the relationship alive.

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11 thoughts on “changes

  1. Hey, great to hear from you again. Sorry to hear that the impetus for writing is difficulty in your marriage. I think if one spouse feels the sharing of responsibilities isn’t fair, or that concerns are not being heard, or that no work is going into the relationship, there’s a serious problem. And from what you’ve described here, it sounds like that’s exactly what’s happening. Is counselling an option? It sounds like it would help to have an arbiter here, a neutral party. I don’t think mucking along trying to make do is the answer. I think you have to confront what is going on, very firmly. Maybe you’ve already started that process. I don’t know where it will take you. I hope your family stays together, isn’t that what most people hope for? But this is serious. Sending you moral support, sorry life had been stressful.

    1. Thanks for the support! I honestly haven’t thought much about counselling – he was never interested in that following the birth and death of the twins, so I think it’d be a major effort to convince him. But you may be right in that this could be one of the few things with an actual lasting impact. The mucking along is what I’ve been trying over the last months, and it clearly isn’t working…

  2. I certainly can relate to the sense that the only connection left in a marriage is your child. I spent many months (years) mulling over whether I should leave my marriage, and it was excruciatingly painful to finally end it. I’m not saying that it is the right choice for you. What I will ask is if you feel like it is salvageable, and whether you think marital counselling might help. For me, I came down squarely on the side of no: the marriage was over and there was nothing, in my view, that would help it. And you know, Gummy’s dad and I have a much better relationship now that we are separated. We really (as we always have) like each other and are committed to parenting our child together. We are just not a couple anymore and that’s been so helpful.
    Anyway, enough about me. I know something of how difficult things might be for you at the moment. I’m sending you peace and warmth and strength.

    1. In a way, you have put your finger in the most confusing part of it all (to me): I don’t know. If I knew, it’d be easier to make a decision and move forward, either to pushing for counseling or, I don’t even really know, find a lawyer, maybe. I haven’t given up hope, but at the same time, I spend far too much time being annoyed. It’s not healthy in the long term.
      But thanks for sharing. It’s good to know I’m not alone in feeling stuck like this. Hugs.

      1. Then it may be that you need to live with the question first, before you live into the answer (as Rainer Maria Rilke reminds us).
        This is so hard. Take your time to gain clarity, and like you said, once you have clarity, you’ll move forward.
        warmest hugs your way, dear woman.

  3. Oh man, that is rough. I want to shake him and be like “Wake up! Your life is charmed! You are healthy, you have an amazing wife and child, you live in what is probably *THE* best country in the world, and you have a career and a house and a comfortable life!” It kind of enrages me that he has the audacity to feel the least bit sorry for himself. And the making excuses why he is on his computer instead of spending time with you and SB… I would not be able to reconcile that. He needs serious therapy but it doesn’t sound like he thinks he is the problem and if he doesn’t wantbto change then theraoy would be a waste of time. I’d have all my ducks in a row (consult a lawyer and be fully prepared to leave) and then I would two-card him: either he chooses individual therapy and marital counseling OR divorce. And then I would probably separate, either in the home (separate beds) or one of you gets an apartment to see how it goes. But you know somethings gotta give. Much love to you, you deserve to be happy <3

    1. I think you’re spot on that H has totally lost perspective – especially with your health issues this must be enraging. And that some of the problems are just his, and I can’t really do much to solve them, beyond perhaps poking him enough to deal with them. A side effect of this is that I’d feel bad to leave him, in the sense of “he’s not well, I can’t leave him now” – but of course in the long run I’m not doing myself a favor, and perhaps not anyone. (And indeed, for now, I think he doesn’t see any problem, at least 95% of the time. Sigh.)
      He doesn’t deal well with stress, so I’m worried that the therapy-or-divorce situation would just lead to crying and chaos. Which may be warranted, but doesn’t get us very far. I have been thinking about separate bedrooms though…
      In any case, thanks for the thoughts and the support!

      1. What would you want your daughter to do? Would you tell her to stay with a miserable man and be miserable herself? Whatever you would want for SB (and her daughter) is what you should do for yourself. XOXO

      2. Oh gosh this is so hard. But you have to wonder if SB is seeing you unhappy and whether it is affecting her as well? What a tough situation.

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