And just like that 

… it is October again. Which has become a month of exuberant joy and gut-wrenching grief. And yet, with my new job starting on October first, those anniversaries weren’t even fully on my radar.

We actually got through Sunday okay, taking SB out to the park and focusing on how lucky we are to have her. (I feel like this post should just be about the twins, but this is where we are right now.) We talked about A&C a lot, what they might have been like, how they should have been her big sisters. I have a hard time coming up with good ideas of how to commemorate them, activities that seem appropriate and feel right for us. But even on this end of the world pumpkins are now sold for carving – something I would have loved to do with them – and so I went to the store in the evening to get one. On the way back I stopped to look at the stars. And then I carved my pumpkin. 

Two stars and one heart. 

The next morning I stood in the shower, remembering that awful first morning after they had died. 

H, who hadn’t been interested in doing anything special on Sunday, texted me on Monday. It hit him harder now that he couldn’t distract himself with SB. But he liked their pumpkin. 


6 thoughts on “And just like that 

  1. Much love to you. This is about them, even the part about SB, because they are part of her life, too. At least, that’s how I see your mention of her and the park — it’s not pretending they weren’t here or important. They are so important that they are always with you, at the park, carving pumpkins, and everything else. It’s sad but lovely to think of SB loving them, too.

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