one year

I can’t quite believe it’s been a whole year. I remember it like yesterday, but I also feel like some time has passed now. It’s still hard to wrap my head around any of it though. Not a day goes by on which I don’t miss them.

I keep thinking about how much they changed me, but it’s a difficult question. Because while I think that a lot of how I am at the core is still the same, losing A & C has certainly reshuffled my priorities. And in part I simply haven’t figured it out yet.

We didn’t really know what to do with this day. Cake kind of seems weird without them here to enjoy it. I didn’t want to do anything with others as my own feelings are complicated enough – maybe I just wanted to be “allowed” to cry whenever I had to.
Initially I had thought about going to the beach where we scattered their ashes, but H is terrified we could get into an accident and something might happen to Strawberry Baby, and I’m not all that comfortable driving anymore anyway, so we stayed and just went to the water here.
I feel kind of bad about not doing much for them today. We’re planning to go to said beach once Strawberry Baby is here. She has been kicking me reassuringly all day long, sweet girl. I wonder if she knows or feels that her mom is having a rough day.

I’ll leave you with another picture of our precious firstborns. And an extra picture of C – by the time the professional photographer came, it had been over 30h since she was born, and time was starting to wear on her little body. But she was a truly beautiful baby. They’re both very much loved and very much missed.

C both of them

25 thoughts on “one year

  1. This is SO hard to read (I went back and read all of your birth stories too) especially when I’m now 19 weeks pregnant with a baby girl. I’m so afraid of losing her, even though I have no reason to think I would, other than the fact that *it happens* and could happen to anyone (me, you, etc.)
    But I’m glad I kept reading. I’m glad you were brave enough to post A&C’s story and pictures, and I realize it’s a privilege that you’ve shared these precious moments. Thank you <3 XOXO

  2. Joining in the chorus of internet hugs. It’s been such a hard and yet amazing year for you, and I hope you know what a wonderfully tough lady you are. Celebrating A&C with you.

  3. they are so beautiful! thank you for sharing these pictures. somehow it feels good to know that there are others out there who also took pictures and cherish the moments spent with their baby/babies. I have gotten so many negative responses when I say I held my baby and got to spend time with him and have pictures to remember him. you are so strong! I hope all continues to go well with Strawberry Baby.

  4. I still remember where I was when I read your post about the girls. I can’t believe it’s been a year already. My heart breaks for you for what you’ve been through and soars for you when I think of little sister kicking around in there. Big hugs.

  5. I’ve been thinking of you all week knowing this day was near. Those pictures are so precious and I think it’s beautiful that you shared them with us. Sending you much love.

  6. Been thinking of you all day–you’re so strong. I think even stronger for understanding that you still don’t quite know how A&C have changed you. It sounds like you’re honoring A&C in the best way you can–by taking care of their sister. Hugs.

  7. I can’t believe how similar our stories align. Twins at 20 weeks, birthdays one day apart, a Rainbow baby named Raspberry….I am feeling it today. With a toddler I don’t have the luxury of taking the time I need to mourn, but it’s also been 3 years. I am so happy for you and Strawberry. Thank you so much for sharing your story and your twins with us. I shed a tear for your daughters and want you to know I am with you in spirit.

  8. I get it so so so much :( I am so sorry for losing your precious adorable little girls. Today is hard!!! I am so glad she was kicking you all day long <3

  9. I thought of you all day on Saturday! So glad Strawberry Baby kept reassuring you and reminding you that better days are here. It doesn’t change what you lost thought, not one bit… maybe it makes it just a tiny bit easier to bear, but it doesn’t change the loss or negate the pain. Big hugs to you!

  10. Sorry I have not commented lately, but I wanted to stop by and say how absolutely beautiful your babies were/are. I have pictures of our twin boys that I absolutely treasure, and I understand what a big thing it is to share them with the world. Lots of love to you.

  11. Here through Mel’s microblog list. This post is so touching, your girls so gorgeous, that I wanted to comment. Sending you a hug through the computer.


  12. I’m very late in posting this, but I still wanted to say that I am with you in remembering your darling girls. They are so very cherished; they were as babies and they are now as angel stars.

  13. You don’t need to have done anything “special” on A and C’s birthday to show your love for them. It’s a day for you and H to remember those precious girls and whatever you did was perfect. I’m glad that Strawberry Baby was right there with you all day, giving you the comfort that your Mother’s heart needed. Thank you so much for sharing your babies with us.

  14. They are so beautiful. And you don’t have to do anything “special.” We planned some things, but I honestly felt the most connected and authentic when I just sat on the couch and sobbed this morning at the time that he was born last year. So I think your day sounds perfect.

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