so close and yet so far

Every time I write a post that doesn’t explicitly mention A & C, it hurts. It makes me feel bad. Even though I know you know I haven’t forgotten them.

In a way, reaching these milestones with Strawberry Baby has been like losing them all over again. I have apologized again and again for not being able to carry them this far. I’m sure they know though.

Most of the time, I’m okay, but sometimes an unexpected wave of grief hits. Like when I read this nurse’s perspective of a stillbirth and am taken right back to when we lost them, or perhaps when I realized we had lost them. And I am reminded that my concerns about first-world problems like maternity leave will get sorted out, somehow. And a kick from Strawberry Baby is one of the most reassuring feelings imaginable.

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9 thoughts on “so close and yet so far

  1. Oh, this is such a sweet post. Of course you haven’t forgotten A&C and you loved them and cared for them and they knew that. I’m glad that you have the reassurance of strawberry’s kicks, but I’m sure with each one you miss your other girls. xoxo

  2. Aww I hope that sweet strawberry baby keeps kicking you to keep those reassuring feelings to keep coming. A&C I know are cheering you on in this journey too. Sending you a hug!

  3. Oh CC, I wish the excitement of Strawberry Baby didn’t have to make you feel like this. We all know you’ll never forget A & C. But they wouldn’t want you to feel guilt over this.

  4. We all know that you live and breathe the loss of A and C. Strawberry baby will never replace them BUT will help your heart heal a little and love her older siblings even more. You are a warrior mamma. You are one of the bravest people I know <3
    On the Loss of all multiple group I'm in a mom that went on to have her rainbow baby said that the love she has for her son is so strong there is no room in her heart for sadness. I believe A and C want that for you. That this rainbow fills your broken heart so full that the sadness, although will always be there a bit, will lessen and you get the joy of parenting their little sister. You are amazing.

  5. I’m glad that Strawberry baby brings you back to the present. You are never going to forget A&C so I think you need to not be so hard on yourself sweet friend. You’re doing the best you can do and that is all that any of us can ever do.

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