oscillating

It’s been like this for weeks, and I imagine (hope!) it will continue for another few weeks. My feelings oscillate between being happy and amazed and proud for how far we’ve come, and afraid that it still isn’t far enough*. I’ve had moments of gut-wrenching sadness over not being able to carry my precious twin daughters this far. It is a strange and scary and amazing place to be.

I have the same number of days left in the current stage of my meditation program than to that magical number, 24. Fittingly, it is considered the last stage of the foundational program – the real stuff begins after that. 24w will also be on what would have been my mom’s birthday. I hope it’ll bring some light into a day that is often still filled with sad memories for me.

Meanwhile, Strawberry Baby has taken up a first of her parents’ patterns – she is not a morning person. She may roll over, but there’s more movement after lunch – and it’s most noticeable after dinner. Also, anytime I’ve had chocolate.


* it wasn’t until the twins were born that I really understood the title of Tertia’s blog

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12 thoughts on “oscillating

  1. Oh I am so happy for you. Keep it up! I bet the next several weeks will fly by for you. I cannot wait for the home stretch, then your good news. Cannot wait to hear what it is like for you to be a mom to strawberry baby.

  2. I would be proud too! I hope that you feel that light and peace at 24w. I hope as the weeks pass the excitement will push out the sadness and fear… You deserve to enjoy each moment and milestone getting you closer to the day you meet your sweet baby!! :)

  3. I hope that as you near and pass the 24w milestone, your emotions stay more on the side of happy and proud and the fear dissipates a bit. I’m sure it’ll be hard to truly trust until your little girl is here, but you’ll get there, day by day!

  4. I’m so glad strawberry baby is doing well! I can only imagine how tough this pregnancy must be on you emotionally. I know how much I struggled not to worry every step of the way. Hang in there!

  5. I remember vividly how I felt torn during my second singleton pregnancy. You feel so sad for the loss of your past but so hopeful for your future baby. I remember I felt so much more relief once I hit that viability date – you are getting there. Just keep busy and try not to think about it too much if possible. Hugs.

    1. Thank you! Much of the time has been flying by, but 23w1d, 23w2d went very slowly… fortunately, work to the rescue, and I was busy again and here we are. Phew. Although I think I’ll still be a bit on the edge until 28w or so.

  6. I’m so glad that Strawberry baby is doing so well and you’re learning her say personality even now. I’m sure this is a bittersweet time for you as you think of your twins, but I hope that strawberry is helping you heal. May the next Wells fly by for you!

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