“Were you in Labor Room 6?” she asked suddenly.
“Er, yes… “ I said, though actually I was never quite sure if it was 5 or 6.
“I remember you! You and your husband! You went home after your water broke, and then one of your babies was born at home.”
It was stunning and touching to have an L&D nurse remember us, remember details of C’s birth that so few people in our lives even know about.

It can hardly be a coincidence that I tend to end up sufficiently worried to go to L&D in those weeks in which I have no cervix check ultrasound. I’m happy to report that both kinds of visits so far have gone well. The ultrasounds always include looking at Strawberry Baby for way longer than at the cervix – which I get, she’s much more interesting. A potential drawback is that they sometimes find minor worrisome stuff, such as a marginal cord and little things with a complicated name that are related to scar tissue. I try not to Google too much for those terms and will check with my doctor next week on what his opinion is. Chances are there’s nothing I can do about either of those things anyway.
The L&D visits mainly seem to be triggered by variations of round ligament pain, which apparently can present itself as cervical pain or cramping, particularly with movement (mine, not E’s. E’s is wonderful!). Who knew? And even knowing this I find it a little disconcerting…

This week is particularly hard. We’re reaching 20 weeks on the weekend, and while I wonder how we made it here so quickly, it also is the gestational age when things went wrong with the twins. C’s water broke at exactly 20w, they were born 3 days later. I will try to make it through these milestones without freaking out over every possible twinge.


24 thoughts on “close

  1. Those milestones are SO hard. Just remember to listen to yourself and your emotions. You’re allowed to grieve and handle these milestones in whatever way is good for you. Also, be prepared that you may feel extremely sad the day AFTER you’ve reached the point that both C&A were born. I remember feeling that way with Gus. I was so sad that I wouldn’t have a pregnancy connection to Oscar and Bella anymore, and that it was so unfair that Oscar and Bella didn’t get the chance to keep growing during their pregnancy.

      1. Thanks. So far, so good. We reach viability on Wednesday, and I’m keeping myself from writing on my blog because I don’t want to jinx anything, you know?

  2. Oh sweet friend, what a hard week this will be! I knew you must be getting close to that point. Grief and hope so tangled up… it must be so hard! I’m thinking of you this week!

  3. Thinking of you and glad things are going well. I think you are right to go in to be checked out when you worry. It’s much better than googling. :-) I find if I try to hold the worry in it just takes my mind over; much better to talk to someone and have the reassurance / extra scans. I have also had all varieties of round ligament pain and it can be stressful.

    1. Thank you! They said I would have extra scans, but it was with an air of “you’ll have them anyway”.
      Have you tried to do anything about the round ligament pain? The L&D doctor I saw last week recommended a baby belt, so I ordered one and am curious if it really works…

      1. All I’ve done is try to be mindful of posture when awake (easier) and in bed (harder, obviously) because I move around in my sleep. For some of the really low pelvic pain I found a magic bag literally in my crotch helped :-) I don’t have many really bad pains (it tends to go on for a day or two, then totally go away for a long time) so it hasn’t been a huge deal; it just freaks me out when it happens. I discussed with doctor and she said nothing to worry about.

  4. I can only imagine that getting to these weeks has got to be pretty hard and scary for you! I am glad things are going well and hoping they continue this way!!!

  5. All of this I relate to so much. I remember vividly two dates. The first was the day I passed the 20 week mark and realized I was still carrying my Raspberry (like your strawberry!). I grieved my twins by staying home from work and trying to be grateful for where I was. I was still scared, but I was one day further than I had been before. The second date was when I arrived at 24 weeks and knew my baby had a chance at life, should he be born that early. It was a weight off just to get to viability.
    The other thing I wanted to say is that you should always listen to your gut with this pregnancy. I didn’t pay attention in my twin pregnancy and went in too late. I was sure I was experiencing round ligament pains and didn’t realize they were actually contractions. The second time around I knew what labor felt like and vowed to be safe and diligent with this boy. I was lucky to have a smooth pregnancy and bring my son home, so I know you can do this too. :)

    1. After reading Brianna’s comment I thought about taking the day off, but there is a meeting I’m not sure I can easily miss… still need to decide what to do about this. And I am counting the days to viability, even though I know there are no guarantees, and that full term would be so much better! Coincidentally 24w will be on what would have been my mom’s birthday.
      About the gut feeling – I’m probably overly cautious because I’m so afraid to miss a crucial symptom. I was feeling all this pressure with the twins, but when I mentioned it to a doctor at 13w she dismissed it, while the next doctor at 18w was quite concerned. Sadly it seemed there wasn’t anything they could do, but that should be different with a singleton…
      Thanks for all your encouragement! I am so much hoping to bring this girl home in November!

  6. That’s very sweet that the nurse remembered you; I sometimes wonder if we’re more than just another symptom puzzle to figure out and deal with. But you clearly weren’t to her. I can’t imagine how hard this week will be for you–I’ll be thinking of you.

  7. It’s so great she remembered you and the twins in such detail. That has to be comforting. I’m glad strawberry baby is doing well I hope you relax a little more with each passing milestone.

  8. How wonderful that the nurse remembers you! I hope you make it through this milestone okay. I know that it must be difficult, and I can only hope that you find more comfort the further along you go.

  9. Each day, you get closer to viability. And I just hope you don’t have to go back to L&D until well, well after 24 weeks. I must say, I’m holding my breath a little for you. I’ll remain hopeful though: not all stories have to end tragically. Sometimes, dreams come true. That’s certainly what I’m hoping for strawberry baby.

  10. While it’s probably been a hard, emotional week, I imagine it will also be a huge sense of relief once you pass these milestones as well. I’m so glad things are going well. I think about you often.

  11. Aaarg, I’m so sorry. I imagine there will be a lot of freaking out, and renewed grieving. My only hope is that as E gets closer to full term it fades a little. A long way away, I know. But closer every day.

  12. I forgot to add this – my blog goes private tomorrow. I would love to add you to the blogroll so that you can still access it. You can leave your email address on a comment or use the contact form at the bottom of my blog for a private conversation so your email isn’t out for everyone to see.

  13. It has been awhile since I stopped in to read your blog and I’m so happy to see you are expecting again and will hold my breath along with you and cross my fingers that all goes well. Missing your girls with you, but hoping you welcome their little sibling here safe and healthy.

    I hope these milestone are gentle for you. They are tricky, on one hand you’ll be so glad to be past 20 weeks but on the other hand why didn’t your girls get that chance too ya know?

    Sending you love

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