Fasten your seat belts

And then I sat on a plane headed for what many call paradise. Sobbing. Because I should be taking care of two little girls, not a vacation.

Many loss triggers are still unpredictable for me. With infertility, at least I knew what to expect. And I usually managed to get home, or at least to the bathroom, before actually melting down. But if a trip to a tropical island is a trigger, anything could be.


14 thoughts on “Fasten your seat belts

  1. I am so sorry this loss and heartbreak has followed you on this trip. I hope the beautiful scenery is able to lift your spirits just a tiny bit as your time on vacation goes on. I wish this could be different for you. This is just not fair.

  2. Yes, the triggers can jump out of anywhere. I hope that you find some signs from them while you’re on vacation. They’ll still be triggers, but hopefully a little more gentle.

  3. I agree, I can usually at least THINK I can forsee triggers but BAM out of nowhere something hits me like a truck. I get it big time. With me sometimes the crying helps. I hope your trip is full of beauty <3

  4. I’m just so sorry; so, so sorry that your little girls aren’t here with you. There simply aren’t words to express how unfair all of this is. Hoping that Strawberry Baby and a beautiful vacation remind you of the good things you have coming… it doesn’t diminish the loss at all, but it’s certainly something worth living for. Hugs to you!

  5. That’s so hard, sweet CC. I remember you taking the plane when you were pregnant with the girls, so there may have been lots of cues flooding your senses about that time.
    We went South a few weeks before my due date of the pregnancy I miscarried, and I felt very much like what you describe. I felt like I should be home preparing the baby’s room, and not on a plane to paradise.
    I hope that once you are there, you can enjoy yourself. All things point to the fact that you will be taking care of a baby shortly, and taking some time to rest right now is a great plan.

  6. So sorry. They come out of nowhere and sometimes at the most random times, even in the fun happy times like a vacation. Don’t feel bad about grieving ever, on vacation or wherever it hits you. Praying for you and your baby! I hope you have a good vacation filled with rest and relaxation!

  7. Oh, I’m so sorry. I know that you’re so happy to have strawberry, but of course you will be sad when you think about what should have been. I hope that you can find peace and healing in the tropical paradise. You’ve been so strong throughout, but there are bound to be moments of incredible sadness. I just hope that they become more fleeting and far between over time. Hugs.

  8. I am deeply sorry. I was also thinking of the flight you took before A and C were born, how many dreams you must have had. I wish you were living those dreams. I also wonder if you’ve been having to hold it all together for work and are now having a chance to let go… Maybe some of this vacation will be about taking time to grieve, but I hope you find peace waiting for you in paradise. Oh gosh, that sounds a little scary–I mean TROPICAL paradise!

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