I’ve written about people in our life that have reached out in support after we lost the twins, especially those that realized this isn’t an experience we’re likely to “get over” quickly. I try to focus on the supportive ones as opposed to those who said nothing or made (usually unintentionally) hurtful comments. But there are two that I have trouble getting over.
One is a former colleague who got pregnant via IUI after a long time of trying – and then had bleeding and preterm contractions starting when she was 4 months along. She spent most of her pregnancy on bedrest and I know she was terrified of losing her baby, but eventually she did bring home her son at full term. She never responded to our announcement email. A little later I found out that she’s on maternity leave again. And I couldn’t help but wonder, “I lived your nightmare. Is it too much to ask to just reach out, say that you’re sorry, something? Anything?”.
The other is the one of my many cousins I’d say I am closest to. She had trouble getting pregnant with her first, but got lucky just before looking into treatments, after more than two years of trying. She, too, never responded. She’s the daughter of these wonderful people and I simply cannot imagine that she doesn’t think of us, feel for us.
Then this week I got a facebook message from another relative on yet another continent. If she could come and visit, and that she hoped everything was great. While I’ve been off facebook since the girls died, because I cannot quite figure out what to say, and I’m not willing to go back without saying anything, there was a theoretical possibility that she didn’t know. But she had known I was pregnant and due last February, and her brother had sent me some very kind texts. So when I finally answered, I wrote that we’re still very sad about losing our daughters, but that we’re hoping to bring home a living baby later this year. And then she answered almost immediately, how sorry she still is for our loss, that she’d been through an early loss herself but just didn’t know what to say.
And now I feel comforted and upset at the same time. Comforted that she, and likely the others too, didn’t forget our loss. I know that it’s hard to find something to say. But, if you contact me for some other reason, why not start by acknowledging that things are likely not as we dreamed* they would be?
* I’ve probably said this before, but given everything that happened last year, being where we are now is pretty much a dream situation. But it still is a dream with a lot of scary potential. Even “it’s complicated” doesn’t quite do it justice.