strange fruit

The ultrasound NP was on holidays, and the doctor that did my ultrasound yesterday was new, and clearly unfamiliar with the practice’s new computer. He kept going back and forth between menus although even I could see that he had already been in the one he was looking for… He had first showed us that there was one sac and a heartbeat, so I wasn’t worried, but in a different situation I imagine this would drive me nuts. Also, he poked my cervix more than I (and it) liked.

Strawberry baby didn’t look like a strawberry at all, more like a banana, maybe. Also, is the growth of my belly a bit alarming, or is it just me? (Or all the food?)

The part that made me nervous actually started the day before the ultrasound: I began to feel some pelvic pressure. Rationally I know that Strawberry Baby is tiny (7mm as of yesterday) and so it can’t be putting any pressure yet. It might be my abysmal pelvic floor muscles – I stop when I need to cough or sneeze. The alternative isn’t pretty. So I started doing Kegels again, hoping that would help. I had considered asking at the appointment, but given how unconvinced I was with the doctor, and unwilling to be poked even more, I didn’t. Plus, I don’t think anyone would really (be able to) do much about it. I will ask my MFM as soon as I see him, but that’s not until early April.

Then today around noon I started spotting. Cue freakout for a minute. But it was really just spotting, red-tinted fluid that fortunately quickly turned into brown-tinted fluid. Given that I suspect it may have come from poking around, I wasn’t that interested in going in to get checked out again. I temporarily decided against my original plan of swimming tonight, but then read some loss blogs and was sobbing more than I have in a while. So I went to the pool after all, hoping for the water to calm me down.

I oscillate between excitement and fear of losing this baby, which is often mixed with sadness about not getting to keep A & C. Pregnancy after loss is a strange place to be.

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11 thoughts on “strange fruit

  1. Ugh, I hate how much poking and prodding they do down there. I know exactly how you feel about pregnancy after a twin loss. You won’t feel even remotely confident until the 24 week viability. Once you get there…it does gradually get better. But I have to tell you, as a mom to a now 1 year old son, it is totally possibly to have a healthy pregnancy and delivery after a big loss like we went through. Just hold onto hope and love every moment. What will be will be, but right now that is your little strawberry. BTW, my son’s nickname in utero was Raspberry!!

  2. It’s so hard waiting and wondering what’s going on, especially when our bodies do unexpected things – which is rather inevitable in pregnancy. Sounds great that the doctor found a sac and heartbeat (even if he was clumsy about it) – try to focus on that positive! It does sound likely that the small amount of spotting was caused by irritated cervix. all the best xo

  3. I sit here in the middle of the night, 32 weeks pregnant with our little boy after loss, and I can tell you that pregnancy after loss (for me) is mostly sadness with a little happiness. As we get closer (hopefully) to the end, I am just sad mostly thinking about my little boy that died. To have another baby makes it only more real that there was a baby that should be here but isn’t. One day at a time. Some days will be better than others.

  4. Well, I’m glad the little Strawberry Banana is hanging in there. Keep it up, uterus/ baby/ powers of the universe.

    I never felt more out-of-control with my body than while pregnant. For what it’s worth, I gained 39 (!) pounds with my first pregnancy and…. 30? 35? with my second – I’m a pretty medium-sized person, with no GD risk – and frankly it was *just fine*.

  5. Banana baby! You gave us a scare there, cervix. No more of that. The oscillation makes perfect sense, I’m just glad you’re getting some of the excitement too, as I can imagine staying in the fear place forever. Takes strength.

  6. I’m so impressed that you didn’t feel like you had to rush back in after the spotting! It takes a lot of strength to be able to understand it was most likely from the poking and prodding. You are such a strong person. I’m so glad things are progressing as they should with your little strawberry! Time will fly by, but at the same time, this will probably be the longest 9 months of your whole life!

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