thoughts on telling

I’ve gotten to the part in my pregnancy books (my darling husband gave me another, figuring that it’d be too hard to read the one on twins he gave me back then) when the question turns to when to tell. Last time I had a deal with myself of only telling one person per day. I was so afraid something would go wrong, that I’d have to tell people we wouldn’t have a baby (or babies) after all. Well, and then we got to the point where I thought it was safe to tell (and hard to hide), and then things did go wrong and we didn’t get to take home our babies… and emailed everyone we had told, as we couldn’t face the idea of running into people and having to explain it in person. But I digress.

By only telling once we’re out of the trimester, while I understand the reasons so well, sometimes I think we’re not doing ourselves and other women or couples a favor. At that point, the majority of pregnancies do end well, so anyone who has never been in this unfortunate position will assume that announcement equals baby. Sometimes I wish for a society where I could make a cautious announcement earlier, with the knowledge that things are not “safe” yet (as if they ever were), but that I could use some support and understanding already.

I’m not planning any big announcements this time. I can’t stomach the thought. But I have mentioned this new pregnancy to a few people already, when the opportunity came up. Everyone is so excited for us. FIL, who has no medical education but loves commenting on such topics, thinks that my body is now used to being pregnant so everything should be fine. The cynical part of my mind wonders if my cervix is also used to opening… A colleague had seen many Japanese moms around and excitedly suggested that our kid could learn Japanes, while I just hope to make it to 24, 26, 28 weeks. It is very sweet, but at the same time I wonder if they cannot see how we worry that something might go wrong again. But perhaps they cannot stomach that thought.

With the girls, I often felt like an imposter when I said I was pregnant. Not sure why this was, and perhaps it is common after infertility. This time, I don’t. I’m owning this experience, despite all the concerns. In what might have been a spike of exuberant hope (in combination with the fact that I never quite lost some of the weight I put on with the girls, so that I’m already out of pants that fit) I have even ordered maternity yoga pants. And a scarf to hide the bump when desired, or simply protect against windchill. Because it was called rainbow scarf.

8 thoughts on “thoughts on telling

  1. I’m kind of unique as my blog is public, has my first and last name, photos, and gets occasionally published on Facebook… There’s really no opportunity for secrecy. But I often wonder what I would do if that wasn’t the case. I do have that first pregnancy before I even knew about infertility… the plan then was to wait until 12 weeks before any official announcement. I was cautious even back then… Interesting as I eventually revealed that miscarriage to everyone. I imagine this is particularly hard after the loss of A & C… hoping you can find a good system that works for you both!

    1. You are very brave to put it all out there, Amanda. I think sharing later, as you did with your first miscarriage, is more common, I think. Several people have told me that they needed some “help” or that it took them a long time to conceive – but only after their first baby was born. It always bugged me a little that they didn’t share this earlier, when they knew I was struggling, too – but then again, there have been several occasions while I was pregnant when I could have shared that A & C were IVF twins (the question is often only barely hidden) and for the most part, I didn’t…

  2. I agree that it is better to tell some people early. I couldn’t bear the pressure of trying to “fake it” around key people. Basically, if they see me all the time, they are going to know because there is not way to hide it. Others who don’t seem me a lot, well it seems to matter less. Like you say it is good to have the support. I think go with what feels right and I’m glad to hear you are “owning” this.

  3. With our first rainbow pregnancy, I told some select people early, and then when my body couldn’t hide it anymore I disclosed to my entire workplace, via email, right as I left the office for the weekend. I didn’t want the super excited responses. I needed the calm, down-to-earth responses of the people who knew that I was excited and terrified. With this pregnancy, we told right away, knowing that if the worst happened again (like with Firefly) we would want the support around us. Every person, and every pregnancy is different. You do what feels right for you. And I love the scarf!!

  4. Telling people is both exciting and scary stuff. We didn’t even tell our parents until around 10 weeks. I am glad you are embracing this pregnancy despite the fears.

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