then and now

Tuesday was bittersweet. We feel incredibly lucky and blessed that our embryos and my uterus get along so well, of course, but when we went for celebratory sushi we ended up also talking a lot about A and C. How happy we were to be expecting them, how sad we are that we didn’t get to keep them, and how we worry about the second trimester with Strawberry Baby (on top of the first trimester that everyone worries about).

It may seem like we dwell on the past, but I think it is necessary for us. This all happened less than a year ago, it was our very first pregnancy and we were so excited. Now, excited, but cautiously. But we do have a lot of hope for this baby, and push our doctors harder to take any concerns seriously – although given my history, I think they will do that anyway.

It was my husband who coined the term “Strawberry Baby”: during the 2ww, he said he hoped we’d get another Strawberry Baby. When I inquired, he explained that one of our daughters had looked like a little strawberry on the first ultrasound (which I think to this day remains his favorite ultrasound).* In our native language, strawberry starts with an E, so it’s even consistent. Once he noticed that I picked up the term enthusiastically, he was quick to point out that of course he hoped this little one would stay with us much, much longer than the strawberry stage.

And at the same time, we are embracing this pregnancy and celebrating every day. Reading about what Strawberry Baby is doing in the pregnancy book he gave me last year. We have told a few friends and family members as well as my boss (who has been incredibly supportive through everything) and a good mentor. I want serious weekly pregnancy photos (H is a good photographer, but somehow last time wasn’t too interested early on as he figured that’d have time…). I’m still working on a theme though and might pick something else than what I tried yesterday.

* I thought about including that picture here, but decided it’d be too confusing.

9 thoughts on “then and now

  1. I’m so far behind in my blo reading, I decided to skip ahead to this post. I cautiously and optimistically congratulate you on your strawberry baby! I love that your husband came up with that name by he way. I know it’s scary and hard not to be worried after everything you’ve been through, but I’m glad you are also able to be excited. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

    Also, I’m curious what your native language is?

    1. Thanks Amber :) I think you’ve been amazing at keeping up with blogs while taking care of two newborns!
      My native language is German (and strawberry is Erdbeere), though I try to not mention this on the blog for the sake of some pseudo-anonymity…

  2. I love the term “Strawberry Baby” and I can’t wait to keep reading about little Strawberry as he/she grows! I know it’s early but there’s so much to be positive and excited about. But of course I’m sure it’s hard not to think on the past as well…I think you guys are doing the best you can by trying to strike a balance. I’m so happy for you!

  3. Oh, I’m loving these pregnancy posts. And the new E bump tab…..swoon. I just love it all. YOU ARE PREGNANT!
    I am so full of hope for you, my friend. And fear, of course. But hope is bigger and hope is brighter than fear.
    Grow Strawberry baby. Grow.

  4. I’d guess that there will be bittersweetness forever. A and C will always be physically missing, even if they’re spiritually there. As long as the sweetness is there. It makes me so happy that you are celebrating this wonderful thing.

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