patches and needles

  • I’m trying to find a witty start for this post but can’t. My transfer, which I have largely neglected to talk about so far, should be in just over a week. Isn’t that amazing?!
  • I have learned that the worst part about estrogen patches is tearing them off, and am not exactly looking forward to removing four of them on Wednesday, just to put four more on (also, I seem to be running out of space). But I am looking forward to hosting another of our precious embryos. Hopefully for the whole nine months this time.
  • My big grant is almost submitted. Of course, once the stress over that stopped I began to actually think about the transfer and freak out a little…
  • I imagine that, in some parallel universe, there’s a copy of me (or however you call the version of yourself in a parallel universe) that has babies at home or still in the belly, and fretting about how to get this grant done with the babies or the pregnancy exhaustion. And it makes me sad to think that, even after all we went through to get pregnant, I still didn’t quite appreciate what a miracle it is to actually bring home a baby, healthy and screaming and alive.
  • After going through the new patient paperwork, my new acupuncturist said she was very sorry, and then asked a bit about my symptoms and what I was here for. She has a community practice together with some other practitioners, which among other things means that it’s much more affordable. She doesn’t talk much, just checks in with me when I get there to ask if anything has changed. She also mentioned that some people like to bring their own blankets or pillows. So I started taking this:


    It’s the baby blanket I was knitting for A & C. Just one, you ask? I had bought the yarn on a trip to the east coast in this lovely store before we even started IVF. I never really expected twins, but due to the skein size would actually have had enough for two. I knit through stimulation, retrieval, transfer, the 2ww, and some more during pregnancy. But I hadn’t even finished this one when we lost them. And initially I thought it would be terribly hard to get back and finish it. But it was surprisingly easy, soothing even. It gave me hope that someday there would be a baby in our home to wrap in it.

18 thoughts on “patches and needles

  1. I too HATED taking off the estrogen patches. I’d have sticky stuff left on my skin for days.
    Fingers crossed for this transfer and that your beautiful blanket will bring him this baby :)

  2. I didn’t much like those damn patches, even though my journey with them was brief. One can get delestrogen in the US, but not in Canada (and perhaps not where you are either), but I found that to be much, much more convenient than several patches plus several doses of esterace orally and vaginally.

    And hey, here’s your FET right around the corner. How did that happen? Very glad you had something big to distract you while you were waiting. I hope with all my heart that this will go the way we all want it to go.

    That’s one gorgeous blanket you knitted for the girls. It’s really meaningful that you were able to finish it and that it now brings you comfort, like a connection to your deep longing to be a mother, and a connection to your precious girls.

    1. Injectable estrogen? Interesting. I only have the patches, no pills this time, but I’ll keep this in mind…
      And thanks! I do think of my girls, and hope for future siblings for them, whenever I snuggle up under this blanket.

  3. The blanket is so beautiful. And I’m glad you have found a better acu place. I loved community acupuncture.

    I don’t think it really is quite possible to appreciate bringing home a baby in the sense you mean. It’s just too big a thing for our small brains to comprehend. As is the unfathomably un-right loss of yours.

  4. I’ve been thinking about your transfer. Hoping for the smoothest, bestest, fastest transfer possible. I’m so glad you finished the blanket. It’s lovely, and will surely, SURELY hold a sweet baby. And when it does, I feel like it will also wrap that child in his or her sisters’ love. You know, ’cause they’ll be THERE, in every stitch.

    Congratulations on getting the grant almost submitted! I’m glad that will be, presumably, over by the time you’re two week waiting.

  5. I love the blanket you are knitting. I knitted my Silas a red, white, and blue chevron afghan since he was due so close to the fourth of July. I considered burying it with him when we lost him, but then couldn’t part with it. I needed it more than he did. We chose to give him another special blanket his brother and I picked out for him. I learned that a baby had after a loss like ours is called a rainbow baby, and we are hoping to be blessed with another sweet baby, so I learned to crochet (thank you, YouTube) and crocheted a star shaped rainbow afghan. Like yours, it’s sitting here waiting to wrap up a sweet baby. I hope your next cycle goes well. :)

  6. Oh wow! I need to hurry and catch up on my reading! You’ve probably had your transfer by now. Hope things are going well and that this transfer truly does bring you that take home baby to wrap up in that blanket!

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