grief, interrupted

Apologies for the lack of updates after this rather distressing post. I’m writing a grant (not exactly a recommended activity a few months out of such a loss…) and that is taking most of my time. My husband is not amused. Anyway, my GP thought that my heart sounds just fine, but that I should find a counselor, go to yoga and meditation classes, and try acupuncture. And when I say “my GP” that is vastly exaggerated – the woman I used to see, from the same practice, now only works in their office in the outskirts, too far for me. So I had to tell the whole story again. Which in a sense was good, I think – it brought back the realization that this really was a terrible loss, and that it is okay to still be upset and sad and angry about it. I think I had somewhat withdrawn over the holidays, worried that all the interactions with family members and their sometimes insensitive reactions would be too much. Maybe this was a necessary protection mechanism, but it wasn’t a feasible long-term approach. My body clearly communicated it wasn’t happy.

I’ll write about yoga and meditation another day – I practice yoga at home every day, and going to a class can’t hurt. As I was willing to try acupuncture, my GP checked with some people she works with and found me an opening for the next day. So I went. I had heard some amazing things about acupuncture, and while it wasn’t bad, it wasn’t the most relaxing experience of my life either. I have to admit that I felt considerably more relaxed afterwards (though the cynical part of my mind keeps wondering, wouldn’t that be the case if I laid down and relaxed for half an hour without needles, too?). But the acupuncturist isn’t a good fit for me, I think. She was overly convinced of herself, which I’ve never dealt with well, and now have even less tolerance for. She told me she “was early too” with giving birth, “as she’s on her feet seeing patients all day”, which I found kind of inappropriate, given that she got a healthy living baby out of it and I got a box of ashes. And she asked whether I was on a flare protocol for my FET and wanted to put me on a no-wheat-no-diary fertility diet, kind of making me wonder if she had listened at all. I went back a week later, because I’m all for second chances and I did feel better afterwards after all, but it only confirmed my first impression – acupuncture may be good for me but this person isn’t a good match. So this week I’m seeing someone else in a much more affordable place.

And then, the counseling. I have thought about this. The hospital, the MFM, the RE, they all asked. And the social worker we had in the hospital really wasn’t a good fit for either of us (there may be a pattern here… although, to balance it, my RE and MFM are wonderful). H was so unconvinced that he never wants to see a counselor again. It doesn’t help that, where we grew up, counseling is sort of frowned upon, only for cases where “there’s really something wrong with you”. Sigh. I see that I probably should see someone, but don’t even know where to start. Suggestions? Experiences?

I’ve started to do some meditation before I go to bed. It helps me calm down, and I think I can sleep better after having released some of the sadness. And yesterday I suddenly thought of two little angels, connected to my heart through golden strings. First I was concerned the could completely unravel my heart, as in this awesome video. But then I remembered that my love for them is infinite. Even if they fly to the other end of the universe, there will still be enough love in my heart to connect all the way to them.

11 thoughts on “grief, interrupted

  1. That last line is so beautiful… It sounds like you are taking care of yourself (uh, you know, minus the grantwriting), and that makes me happy. And yeah, that acupuncturist made me pretty mad from a distance. I guess you probably get a lot of stupid, heartless crap like that, but it seems extra cold when you’re in this trusting position.

  2. I only tried acupuncture once, and while I liked the acupuncturist well enough, I found that I just couldn’t relax with all the needles in me. It did absolutely nothing to relax me at all. That acupuncturist also sounds like a bit of a nightmare. I’m glad you’re exploring your options though, and working to find what works for you to make you feel better.

  3. Acupuncture seems to be so hit or miss, I’ve encountered other acupuncturists who seem full of themselves and others that seem reasonable. I hope you find some comfort soon

  4. That was my exact experience with acupuncture. Initially, I couldn’t relax because I had NEEDLES all over me, but eventually (by the fourth treatment) I could sort of relax. But both practitioners that I saw were so full of themselves. They both blatantly suggested that they could solve by IF issues without IVF, that western medicine had missed my diagnosis, and that they could solve all my worries too. Plus, I ended up transferring on a Sunday. When I told the acupuncturist, she was sooo upset that I’d miss the transfer session. She essentially said “better luck next time” meaning I’d fail because I allowed my crazy doctors to choose a weekend for a transfer rather than a weekday so that I could have acupuncture after. Not a good fit for me at all… I don’t know if that’s a symptom of a larger issue with all acupuncturists (too self assured) or if it was just my experience with the two I saw.

    I sure hope something well help though! I know when I was having panic attacks it was absolutely terrifying. I was so afraid to have another trigger… it really affected my quality of life. So keep searching until you find something that works for you!

  5. I wish I could send you to the acupuncturist I used to see. She is the opposite of the awful, dumb, meddling one you describe. (I went to a community acu place and was very clear that I didn’t want anyone trying to talk me out of doing ivf or messing around with my diet. The person I ended up seeing most had been pre-med in college, was more interested in working with allopathic medicine than arguing about it, and never said boo about food to me, even though I know she’s really into dietary stuff. Sigh. Why can’t more people in all fields of medicine be like that?)

    As for counseling, I don’t know. People keep telling me to do it, too, and I keep trying and ending up with pointless people. I suppose good ones are out there for us both, but it’s so tiring trying to find them. I wish there were some straight forward rating system of flake/not a flake or similar.

  6. I love my acupuncturist. Though I’ve come to realize, acupuncture is all in who you see and THAT can be very hit or miss.

    I’ve been going to a therapist for over a year. I’m not sure it really helps. I think what I get most out of it, is I usually meet my bff afterwards for wine and chatter…seems like the best medicine I’ve come across. :-/

    Sending you big hugs. I know this is so, so hard and I wish I could make it all better for you.

  7. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through. :( I’m so sorry. I couldn’t agree more with this: “Though the cynical part of my mind keeps wondering, wouldn’t that be the case if I laid down and relaxed for half an hour without needles, too?” I’ve felt that way many a times after each $65 session. Wow, your acupuncturist needs to talk less. She kind of sounds like a moron; sorry you had to deal with her. xoxo

  8. Possibly you could look for someone who mentions certification/training in EMDR – it will mean they’ve had experience working with people who’ve experienced traumatic loss of one kind and another, or other Really Bad Things. I wish you could see the flaky-but-compassionate woman who lives here; I think you would like her.

    Although I, too, grew up in a cultural environment where therapy was for crazy people, may I gently point out that ‘my babies died’ *is* something very wrong? Not with you so much as with the universe.

  9. Sounds like you’ve run into a lot of people that aren’t good fits. I’m sorry. It sucks that one of them happened to be the counselor, because I bet there is one that could actually help a lot. They can’t all be bad, right? I’ve never done acupuncture, but I’ve heard that you either love it or hate it. Sounds like you had a strange one. I’m sorry you are having to go through this at all. It sucks. Plain and simple. It’s just not fair.

  10. It’s frustrating, looking for good fits. I think I’d happily slap that acupuncturist.

    Jenny makes a good point. I’ve heard good things about EMDR too, though I haven’t tried it.

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