the birth of a child

Religion or faith isn’t something I write much about. It is a very personal matter to me, between me and God. But in these days, when my religion celebrates the birth of a very special child, I struggle.

The birth of our daughters was special. I wouldn’t want to miss it for anything. But of course it is also fraught with sad memories, with the mourning of their loss.

I admire those of you that find strength in God after such a loss. For now, I seem to find myself on the other side. Lost. H brought it up first, saying that he didn’t know if he could go to church for Christmas, after praying so hard that our babies would make it. After praying that, after we’d lost C, there would be a way to save A. After not feeling heard.

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25 thoughts on “the birth of a child

  1. Hugs. I can only imagine I would feel the same way. I had a struggle with God during infertility – so loss would just be a whole other level. Lots and lots of hugs.

    1. Thank you!
      I struggled when dealing with infertility, too, but I agree that loss adds another layer. Coming so close and then having them taken from us seems so cruel, in a way that is different from the pain of infertility, of not even getting close.

  2. All of those feelings are totally and completely understandable! Anyone can understand why church, and even just Christmas would be hard for you both this year! Praying that the Lord will comfort you both in your hour of need! Thinking of you!!!

  3. Many hugs to you. It is so hard to even comprehend why we lost our precious babies. I have changed a lot of previous held beliefs about god and faith and it has given me peace to end up on the other side as well.

  4. You are not alone in that regard. I have faith in God, but after this last failed FET, I struggle to pray and read my scriptures. I often feel like what is the point after all the prayers and doing everything we can on our end? I will start praying again, but when I feel like I’m not getting answers or any guidance when I need it so badly, it makes it hard!
    Wishing you a merry merry Christmas! I hope you and your husband can have some special moments together and feel the spirit of the season and the hope it can bring. Hugs to you! xoxo

  5. I get it. I prayed several times a day to save our daughters. Then when Willow died, I prayed harder for Hazel. Then when she died I didn’t know what to do. It took awhile, but… Later For me, I fell stronger into faith, needing to know they were in Heaven. Needing to know I would see them again. But enough about that, it’s not what you need to hear. Just know everything you feel is normal. xx

    1. Thank you. I’m so sorry you know this.
      I’m sure I will see them again. The part I struggle with is that of praying for us down here, for another pregnancy, for a take-home baby. At least on some days – on others I have a lot of hope.

  6. How could you not, in all honesty, be angry at God after what happened. I think that it is part of the process of grief (as Kubler-Ross told us), and I hope you can let that be ok for now, and just welcome yourself with kindness, exactly where you are in your process.
    I think of you on this day, and wish you many beautiful Christmases in years to come. And I also wish that there are some small comforts and moments of beauty this year.

    1. Thanks Augusta. You are so kind, and it really helps me to read stories like yours, having come out on the other side.
      Strangely, I don’t even feel angry – or perhaps I’m in denial about being angry. H is angry though. Me, I’m mainly sad.

  7. gosh I’m struggling with this too. Words like “newborn” and “infant” and “child” are full in the carols. These key words buzz in my ears as I flashback to my newborns, my children, and my infants that are lost. I went to Christmas eve service last night and said the same stuff to my husband. Who would have ever thought that baby Jesus would be a sad concept for me. :(

  8. I go back and forth. I want so much to believe that his is there, that some part of him continues. And yet, my already shaken faith is at times nonexistent. It is a hard road and there are no easy answers. I go with whatever feels right into the moment, for me it is the only way to get through.

  9. I totally understand your feelings. Me too, I have fluctuated. When I lost my father, I started to believe less. When I lost my daughter, I felt like believing was the only thing there was left for me. Today I tell my living daughter, that if we want, we can think, that her sister is in heaven. Do I think so? Maybe. I don’t know. Anyways, I am happy that it is private.

  10. There are so many things I want to say and relate to. First, thank you for visiting my blog and commenting on my son’s first birthday even as you heal from your recent loss. I can’t believe our twins were born at 20 weeks along almost 2 years apart exactly. I know the pain of going through the holidays just after a loss like this. It’s so difficult. You seem to be experiencing a lot of the same emotions I went through, devastation with a sliver of hope. I wanted my pregnancy back so badly after my babies died that I was ready to jump to FET right away. I think I didn’t want to deal with the pain without holding onto hope at the same time. I did find that as soon as the twins’ original due date passed, and I was able to celebrate them fully, my heart felt ready. And I’m throwing hope your way – with a single embryo transfer, prolonged progesterone shots, and close monitoring, I now have my beautiful son in my arms alive and well.

    This kind of preterm birth and having to say goodbye is something no one should ever have to do. I vividly remember the crying and the yearning. I still miss M & A every day, but with lots of writing and honoring them I have found a little peace. It’s true you don’t get over this kind of tragedy, but you can move forward.

    Also, you may want to name a star or two for your C & A. I did this through the international star registry and it makes me happy to look up to the sky and know their star is out there. You can pick the constellation and the registry will send you a certificate along with a map of where the star is located. I have mine hanging on my wall and find it comforting. I figured you would want to know as your darlings are named for the constellations. (It does cost a fee, but if you choose one star for both babies, it isn’t too expensive).

    If you need to talk (I know I still do) or want some more ideas of how to remember your babies, let me know,

    I’m just so sad for you both. And so so sorry your little gals didn’t have a chance. It’s not fair.

    Thinking of you and your hubby. Just know that your girls are with my son and daughter and I bet they are playing.

    MissConception

    1. Thank you so much! I didn’t know about the star registry, will look into it.
      I’m sure our babies are out there somewhere, playing. I hope they’re happy.
      I’m so glad your subsequent pregnancy brought you a take-home baby. That is so encouraging.

  11. When we had our miscarriage, I really struggled with my relationship with God. I had an extremely difficult time coming to terms with why he would allow us to go through everything we did, only to experience such heartache. Mine was an early loss, and no where near the pain you experienced with yours (not that we are really making comparisons), but I can somewhat relate to your feelings. Eventually I came to terms with the situation and God, and was able to move on. I hope that you are able to do the same. Hugs to you both!

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