On the plane I asked for decaf with breakfast. Not that I’d slept much – it’s midnight “my time” when we arrive, but 9am locally. That situation seems to demand coffee. But last time I took this flight I was pregnant, and remembered that I really liked that decaf – in part because it was freshly brewed for me. When the flight attendant came back with my cup, I heard her mention a powdered coffee brand to her colleague. My recently developed coffee-snob-ego wanted to get miffed, but even when I smelled it I knew why I liked it: this was the kind of coffee I used to have with my mom on the porch after coming back from school. I have so many good memories of us sitting and talking and having (powder-based) coffee.


We went downtown, and H was taking pictures of me with the Christmas decoration in the background. He wanted to try another angle (he’s serious about this) and asked me to look more relaxed and to smile. “I can’t”, I said. “I’m sad.”. He apologized and hugged me, I cried some, and eventually we moved on, at least in the literal sense. This is how many of my days go – I’m okay most of the time, and then something triggers a reminder of our loss, and I become so sad again, for a little while.


8 thoughts on “moments

  1. Life is going to be like that for quite some time. I still have moments like this, though they are usually farther apart (holidays and anniversaries excluded). It sounds like you are doing a good job of taking care of each other and letting each other grieve how you need to. Hugs.

  2. I am so sorry! I hope you can feel some peace and joy this Christmas season, but I understand how hard that can be during this time. Thinking of you. Sending you a big hug!

  3. You have every right to those sad moments. Good job to your husband for recognizing that and providing that love and comfort that you both probably needed.

  4. Sigh. Your husband sounds like a really good one. There is something so real and true about this combination of moments. Joy and grief with all the static eliminated. I’m sorry you will never get to have powder-based coffee with A and C.

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