the non-scientific part

  • When my boss asked about my due date, I confidently told her “End of October”. She gave me a “this can’t be right” look, I realized what I said and quickly corrected it. But since that day I hadn’t been able to shake the fear that these babies may come in October, way too early.
  • H dreamt I was screaming about an hour before C was actually born.
  • When we left the hospital without our babies, we called a cab as to avoid the hour-long ride on public transportation. Ten minutes later, an automated call tells me they cannot find us a cab (?!). We decide to walk to the metro station after all, just missing one train, and then the next because we stand too far off the spot where it actually stops – it’s not like I could just run over before the door closes. The next train, finally. After about half the ride, a young mother boards with her little girl in the stroller. A sweet and quiet and content toddler. Later, in preparation for getting off, mom turns the stroller so that the girl can see us. She looks at us, intently. Then she starts to wave and smile a little. At that point I lose it, begin to sob and bury my head in H’s shoulder. He keeps looking at the girl until they get off, and later tells me she was quite confused by my sadness.
  • Later that night we go outside for a few minutes, to take a look at our babies’ constellations. Suddenly I see a shooting star, brighter than any I’ve seen in years. Actually I hadn’t seen any shooting star in years. H was sad because he missed it. The next night we went outside again, and both saw not one, but two shooting stars. Right between the A and C constellations.

Honestly, if anyone told me this, I’m not sure I’d believe it.


16 thoughts on “the non-scientific part

  1. I think children, like animals have a keen sense when something is wrong, so I like to think there was a reason why that little girl waved at you. I also think there was some communication with that shooting star. I attended a funeral for a young woman earlier this year and her father described that he felt her spirit in the form of a bird. While they were looking for a burial plot, there was a humming bird flying over head. He described that he could feel his daughter saying “I like it, this is a good spot”. Later during the service, her mother in law (who had not heard the father’s story) described that when she was shopping for a dress to wear to the service, the saleslady commented that it was a nice dress, but the mother in law felt it was the deceased woman who was telling her that she liked it, giving it her approval. The mother in law commented that the saleswoman was wearing a necklace that featured a large bird design. I think your girls will continue to find ways to communicate with you.

  2. You know, strange things have happened to me at times that, while not the same as what you mention, bear a similarity. And I always think my very scientific father will shrug them off, but he just says, “that’s the kind of person you are.” If science teaches us anything, I think, it teaches us that we have almost no idea what is going on. Xo

  3. I always find that kids on the subway or in the mall or wherever seem to pay me particular attention when I’m feeling bad about my infertility. I always wonder if it’s the universe’s way of telling me not to give up.

  4. Oh, these sorts of things are very real to me, despite my scientific background. It’s happened several times that I have had dreams of things before they happened, Or feelings about how things will turn out.
    The subway scene break my heart. It’s like life telling you to keep hoping, keep trying at the lowest point in your journey, your cries asking ‘how can I keep going?’ You are brave to persist in pursuing your dreams of having children,

    1. Thank you, Augusta. I thought it might be the girls telling us they are ok.
      On the dreams – I do not remember a single dream of the girls, and even before anything went wrong I thought that was odd. But a few days after they were born, I dreamed of a baby boy.

  5. I think these sorts of signs are often there, but it takes great sadness, or maybe great happiness, to make us pay attention. I’m sorry for the weight on your heart and for the need to pay for your girls to send you these indirect messages.

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