compound

Sometimes I’d like to blog about the normal things. How I decided that I was too lazy for turkey this year*, but planned to make two pies from this book, Salted Caramel Apple and Malted Chocolate Pecan Pie. Mostly for no other good reason that that I enjoy baking. Except then my husband declared he doesn’t like pecans, nor salted caramel. Deb to the rescue, and I had a “regular” apple pie recipe. (He did eat a piece of the pecan pie later – turns out things are different if there’s chocolate involved.)

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But this year, that is just the preface. We took the pecan pie to a Thanksgiving dinner organized by some friends of ours. Mostly geeks that play a card game together, and so somehow I didn’t expect any pregnancy announcements, but of course there was one. “Announcement” may be the wrong term, she looked about 7 months pregnant, if not further along. Not sure how H didn’t know about it. We’re happy for them, of course, but also just so sad.

It was a nice afternoon overall, and for a while it was good to do normal things with other people. After a few hours though the sadness resurfaced and I mainly wanted to go home. I suppose this is where I’m at right now – company for a little while may be nice, but then I need a break. Grief is hard work, and it has so many different faces and aspects I’m only beginning to discover.

We’re still so fresh out of this loss. We miss these little girls, their sweet little faces, the personalities we never got to know. While we hope that we’ll be blessed with raising their siblings one day, we will always miss A & C.

Yet any thought of their siblings comes with the fear that something might go wrong again. That my body might fail them, too. I haven’t gotten around to writing about the appointment with the specialist, but basically there is a chance that my cervix will struggle even in a singleton pregnancy.

And of course I’d first need to get there. I am actually quite hopeful on this issue, yet it’s hard to ignore the nagging fear. What if this was our lucky round? I do hope there will be more, and longer lasting ones. For an encouraging start, my period has returned (an event that isn’t commonly celebrated in the IF world). I’m glad my body seems to be getting back on track.


* keep in mind that we didn’t grow up here, so it’s not as much of a big deal as it may seem

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6 thoughts on “compound

  1. Salted Caramel Apple Pie? Oh. My. Goodness. That sounds divine. And fattening! How could your husband not like salted caramel? It is my favorite! I’m glad you were able to enjoy some time with friends for a little while. I absolutely understand your need to keep it short though. Grief is definitely hard work, both physically and mentally. I would be surprised if you didn’t fear what could go wrong with the next pregnancy. Because of my previous miscarriage, I’ve had a hard time actually believing we might get our babies at the end of all this, but somehow things seem to be going well. I pray that you will experience success going forward and that you will get that take home baby. Hugs.

  2. Screw H, you can come and make salted caramel apple pie for me! Salted caramel ANYTHING is pretty much the shizz. I’m glad that you got out, and gladder still that you know enough to know when you’re done and need to head home to regroup. I get like that myself, but primarily because I’m introverted. Happy to hear that your body is getting itself back on track too.

  3. Those pies sound fabulous! Glad to hear you are doing some things you enjoy and that you are able to just do something normal for a bit. I am sorry this is so hard and so much work for you right now, which is so understandable that it is. I hope you can have a wonderful Christmas season with your husband and you feel the spirit of your sweet girls watching over you during this time. Hugs!

  4. Those pies sound amazing. You may have to post the recipe for the Salted Caramel Apple. My husband would LOVE that!!

    I know the holidays are always tough for anyone going through grief and loss. I hope you continue to bake pies and do whatever comforts you during this time. xoxo

  5. PIE! Pie can soothe a lot of pain, at least for a moment. I am so sorry your little respite from active grieving was interrupted with a big belly–it seems like a pretty cruel twist when you guys were brave enough to venture out.

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