nonlinear

Today I would have been 24 weeks.
Today we would have reached viability.

On many of the days leading up to this would-be-milestone, what dominated our thoughts was how very long this road still would have been. And of course viability is not a guarantee, there would still have been so many hurdles.
But today, I am mainly sad we didn’t have a chance.

All the bleeding and concerns and the in and out of the hospital last week somehow interrupted my grieving for my babies. It was a calmer time between two storms. Now I have new waves of grief crashing over me.

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13 thoughts on “nonlinear

  1. I think you nailed it, grief comes in waves. In the beginning, the waves are big, frequent and strong. Thinking of you often as you feel the waves crash upon you.

  2. Thank you for letting us know that your grieving has intensified. We can more intentionally hold you in our thoughts at this time.
    It’s easier to make room for love than for grief, but they are really two sides of the same coin. I’m glad that you are making room for both. The love you have for your baby girls is very important. Your grief is also very important.
    Take good care of your beautiful self.

  3. My little sister has been wise beyond her years in supporting me through my tears. She emailed me after a particularly teary day over the phone with this quote to help me through the days.

    “Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.”‘ – Mary Anne Radmacher

    Grieving is so personal and I fully agree non-linear. Getting up each morning on any particular day is harder than the day before or much easier as hope wavers. Perhaps her quote can give you a little quiet courage too.

  4. Grief will always come in waves. I’m just shy of 5 years since losing my mother and I still have moments of complete breakdowns. Same with reminders of past due dates and such. They maybe not as frequent, but that longing never goes away. Thinking of you always and continue to take care of you.

  5. You have every right to go through that grieving process and need to. It’s not fun. It hurts, but it’s necessary. Lots of hugs and prayers your way.

  6. You’re so right about grief coming in waves. It can depend on what else is going on in your life at the time, or some small reminder, or just having a bad day, but it’s impossible to know when it’s going to hit harder than others. Thinking of you lots and hoping you’re finding some peace.

    1. I think the unpredictability makes it even harder. I was miserable the whole day, but the 24w milestone didn’t occur to me until in the evening. I think if I could anticipate bad days I’d try to schedule work so that I have a quiet day and can take a break (or three) if I need to. Of course this doesn’t always work, but it might still help. Right now though, I just find myself suddenly awfully sad and don’t even necessarily know what triggered it.

  7. Also agree on grief in waves but at the beginning it’s a typhoon and I wanted to send my love to help create a safe harbor along with everyone else. I can’t help but cry, I wish this had turned out differently for you.

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