Dear 2011

I have a lot of hopes for you. We’ll move to a new city and start new jobs, and I’m really, really looking forward to that.
Unfortunately, in the reproductive department, my hopes for this year are not so high. Due to aforementioned move, we will not be able to pursue treatments (financially, time-wise, and probably also emotionally it would be stretching things a tad too far). So we’ll keep trying “timed intercourse”, otherwise known as “sex at gun point”. Which hasn’t worked for 18 months in a row now, so how likely is it that it’ll work now? Yeah, I thought so too. So maybe this will be the year we focus on our jobs… not what I planned, but as there are not so many alternatives, perhaps I should try to make the best out of it?
A silver lining is that I might have identified the cause of my beloved burning buttocks pain, and hence how to reduce it. But more on that in another post.

Saying goodbye to 2010 was harder than I thought. We went to church, and I cried and cried. Which I suppose many of the 30 people in the large room noticed. But I found it so hard to praise God when He will not let me get closer to the thing I want the most. Maybe I should have expected this… yet I was surprised by just how much grief I had in me. And felt guilty, and ungrateful, because in parts this had been a very good year for me, especially on the professional side. And I do care about that. (I want it all, you see? And I hope it isn’t too much to ask, but I’m not sure.)

My lovely fellow bloggers, I hope you had a better end of 2010 and start of 2011. I wish you many sticky BFPs for this year, and I promise that I’ll try to catch up on blog reading whenever my planning for all the changes lets me.


10 thoughts on “Dear 2011

  1. The sentence you wrote about finding it difficult to praise God rang so true for me. I found myself in tears at church last week, too. I sometimes find it hard to put faith in a God that will give multiple children to pedophiles, abusers, drug addicts, etc who don’t appreciate them, but yet those of us who try and try and try and spend money and put our bodies, psyches, and marriages through hell can’t get pregnant even once.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope that the fresh start that 2011 brings applies to more areas than just where you live and work. :)

  2. Ah, grief – it has a life of its own – you never know quite when it’ll surface.

    I wish you all the best with your exciting plans for 2011. Be well, and come back and see us (so to speak) whenever you’re ready.

  3. It’s not too much to ask. But oh the timing:( If it would just come in good time, so much heartache and grief would be avoided. I’m sorry that it was a rocky transition to 2011. Holidays are particularly sucky in that way, making you review what did and didn’t.

    The new year holds a lot of possibility for you. These are big changes, but I hope they are changes which will go beautifully. And as far as the other, don’t count yourself out. Situations have a way of changing – either financial, or reproductive – in a heartbeat.

  4. Crying can be really cleansing. I always feel better after a good cry, especially after trying to hold it in. Our bodies know the grief is there whether or not we acknowledge it, so letting it all out can be really healing.

    I hope 2011 brings great things for you!

  5. It’s hard to have faith in the face of continual disappointment. I am not religious, but the same issues arise with one’s understanding of the way the universe works. You absolutely deserve to have it all, and I so very much hope that you will. While you’re working on it, I’m glad things are going well on one front at least. That’s important and I bet you had to work hard for that! Looking forward to hearing more about your buttocks!

  6. It’s so hard to keep doing the same thing over and over again, and hoping for a different result. I love that you are oging to be focusing on other things this year – just for your own sake! And I really have all kinds of hope for you – one day, I hope this works!!!

  7. Thanks all for your kind comments.

    Adele — I’d love to take the part with the heartbeat literally :)

    Sarah — it was cleansing, that’s true. But I’d still have preferred to cry in another place than in a church I’ve never been to before, with my in-laws right in front of me.

    Bunny — soon, I promise!

  8. I found your blog on another blog list. I am also dealing with infertility. A friend recently shared this bible verse with me, as I have struggled as well understanding why the Lord hasn’t given me what I have asked for so much.
    Psalm 6:4-9 (New Living Translation)

    4 Return, O Lord, and rescue me.
    Save me because of your unfailing love.
    5 For the dead do not remember you.
    Who can praise you from the grave?[a]

    6 I am worn out from sobbing.
    All night I flood my bed with weeping,
    drenching it with my tears.
    7 My vision is blurred by grief;
    my eyes are worn out because of all my enemies.

    8 Go away, all you who do evil,
    for the Lord has heard my weeping.
    9 The Lord has heard my plea;
    the Lord will answer my prayer.

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