if nipples could talk

… I would have asked “Are you darker than normally, or are you just teasing me?”. But they didn’t answer. And perhaps they would have lied, just to tease me some more.

The test I did yesterday was plainer — one line. My husband doesn’t trust it, as it’s from e.bay, but I’m afraid it’s probably correct. F*ck. I had been crying so much lately that he sort of assumed I was pregnant. Well, I cried some more and then tried to spend the rest of the day tear-free (and mostly succeeded, even).

I have a lot of things on my mind, revolving around “what is wrong / what are we doing wrong?”. The not-knowing is hard. I’ll go back to my doc this month, to schedule HSG or lap, and probably another SA. I’m afraid of my life revolving around IF. I’m tired of this, although I do realize that I haven’t been in this process for very long, compared to many others. But if it’s already so hard now, how will I deal with this a few years down the road, assuming this doesn’t work out anytime soon? I’m scared, and this doesn’t make the whole situation any better.

Thanks for all your congratulations on the job. It’s the one thing I hope may take my mind off this ttc business.


4 thoughts on “if nipples could talk

  1. I hate how everything ends up revolving around IF. It’s not fair. And it’s not a good way to live – believe me, I know.

    I really hope you find some answers with the doc!

  2. I’m sorry this wasn’t the magic cycle. DAMN! But I’m glad you’ve got an appointment coming up–that can do a lot to keep a girl sane. I really hope the doctor has some good advice.

  3. Thank you so much for your kind words on my blog. I have been thinking of a similar post titled, “How do I know I’m not pregnant? My boobs tell me so.”

    This journey, long or short, can be very time and mind consuming. It’s hard to separate yourself from it when it’s all happening (or not happening) inside your own body. I wish you strength and support along the way.

    Lily – The Infertile Mind

  4. I’m sorry this cycle is not working out. I worried for a while about not being infertile “enough” to really feel bad about it. But we can’t play infertile olympics like that. Everyone’s pain is real, even if different in our own way.

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